why is my reflection someone i don't know?

Hello friend.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly because I've been making plans that coincide with my birthday and I've realized that I don't actually feel my age. When I tell someone that I'm twenty-three, it feels like I'm lying. The fact that I'll soon we turning twenty-four seems impossible. Where did the time go?

But I've relearned some things about myself, and I've come to accept things that I never would have admitted ages and ages ago.

First of all, I think that I might actually be an introvert. My close friends will all look at this and think, "Yeah right, Sara! Stop lying to us now!" Seriously though, I think that I may actually be an introvert. I've read a lot of the common misconceptions of introverts (while needing a break from work), and those kinds of articles have shed a lot of light on me as a person. I mean, I like to try and make new friends, but I'm constantly calculating my sentences and evaluating how I might be coming across. I prefer a glass of wine with friends (or a partner) over dancing at a club. I am completely comfortable with people that I know and trust. When someone new comes along, I stumble and stutter if I try to act the way I do around my friends. I take a considerable amount of time to feel close and comfortable with people, especially people with very large personalities.

But that's not the point of this blog post. The point of this blog post is second of all.

Second of all, I think that I actually am emotionally affected by having my period. I'm not sure if this is a thing that has always been the case. I don't remember getting exceptionally bitchy or sensitive while having my period in the past. I may have whined a bit about the pain before I went back on birth control, and I may have requested extra cuddles from friends and significant others. But I have zero recollection of any kind of emotional change. It's recently been pointed out to me, both by my partner and by the internal monologue that is constantly going on in my head, that I can't deny the facts any longer.

Now I don't get weepy, I don't get bitchy, I don't get depressed. I just experience emotions in extremes. I get incredibly happy about good things. I get angry when the smallest things go out of balance at work. Most importantly, I react to things with a heighten sense of sensitivity. Things frustrate me quickly and immensely. Things affect me more than they should. And in a way, that's not all bad. It helps me realize why I do things. Sometimes bringing my emotions to extremes and really making me analyze how things are making me feel and why they have that affect on me can help me cope and help me heal.

On my music channel on YouTube I've gotten tons of comments and messages about one particular video. People want to learn to play a song the way I play it. It's very nice. Lately commenters have been asking for a tutorial, so I thought that I'd make one.

Now this tutorial was incredibly in depth. It required three different camera angels, chord diagrams and finger-picking diagrams. Place that on top of the fact that I haven't really uploaded very much in the past year and a half or so, and you've got a situation that most people who are mediocre with editing software would find over-whelming. Now place me, an emotional menstruating woman, into that exact situation.

It wasn't pretty.

I got so frustrated with the simplest of things. Lighting, camera angles, video quality, syncing videos, sizing videos, etc. Seriously it was bad. It was a difficult project, and probably not the best project to be the first thing that I did on YouTube for over four months.

Now this whole debacle got me thinking, in my compromised state of course, as to why I don't unload often anymore. I came to the conclusion that I didn't really find the process fun anymore.

When I used to upload videos regularly, I wasn't just making them for me. I was making them for my friends. I had a decently sized friend base that I had met through YouTube and we all uploaded regularly, some of us to a collab channel, and it was nice knowing who my content went out to. Unfortunately, most of these wonderful people aren't very active among YouTube anymore. We still keep in touch via Facebook and twitter, but I don't make them videos any more and they don't make videos for me.

Now know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The ladies who I grew quite close with through YouTube have all moved on to do amazing things. I'm quite proud of them.

But I didn't really feel like I had that YouTube support any more. The YouTube community all of a sudden seemed very large and I very small, which of course it is, but when you've got some friends it always feels better.

I've recently realized that I can't let this stop me from doing something that I ultimately enjoy doing (three weeks a month). I've also recently realized that I do have some lovely friends who are quite active and incredibly supportive in the world of YouTube.

Part of living in the capital of a small country is getting to meet people with similar interests as you. within the last month and a half, I've met a large number of people involved in the New Zealand YouTube Community. They are a fabulous supportive bunch, and I think because New Zealand is so small, we all band together. It makes YouTube feel the way it did 3 years ago and it makes me feel like I want to post content for my friends.

A lot of people talk about making videos because they enjoy it, and that's it. That's great and all, but to me it's so much more. To me, it's about sharing me. Videos are a gift that I can give to my friends. They are about putting effort into something for someone else and being happy with the product and happy to share with people who matter. If I have fun doing it in the process, then that's even better.


Currently playing on my iPod: Vince Guaraldi - A Charlie Brown Christmas
In my mind, there is no better Christmas album than this. It's perfect, it's relaxing, it's inspiring. Everything that music should be.