but you're not there

There is something truly special about a goodbye hug. Especially those kinds of goodbyes that are for extended periods of time. There are so many important things happening all at once.


A goodbye hug is your last chance to make a memory with someone you care about. You're remembering that moment and what it feels like to hold them close to you. You're remembering their smell, their height, the way they hug you back, every breath. You're time with this person is precious and extremely limited, so you're looking to make as many memories as you can in these final moments.

During a goodbye hug, you're also enjoying each others company.

Lastly, a part of every goodbye hug is saying "don't leave me." There is absolutely no denying that. If this is someone worth hugging goodbye, then this is someone worth hanging on to.



In about 24 hours I will be hugging one of my best friends goodbye as she embarks on a brilliant new journey. She has joined the Peace Corps an it's just becoming real to me that soon she will be living in Africa for the next two years. I watched her say goodbye to a bunch of her friends last night, and I began to dread when it would be my turn. There is absolutely nothing harder than saying goodbye to someone you love, even if it's not forever.
The last time I did that, it broke my heart. I don't doubt that it'll happen again.

I couldn't sleep tonight. I just sat and thought of goodbyes and hellos, and how both can make you cry.

i look for signs of light

Hello friend.

So this is what my life has amounted to: me falling asleep crying into my pillow night after night.

People who have never experienced depression don't understand it. They don't understand how much it consumes you. They don't understand how hard it is to get through the day. They don't know the feeling of pain with every step and breath that they take. They don't know how hard it is to constantly be fighting back tears. They don't know what it's like to explain to friends why you went from perfectly fine to sobbing your eyes out, or what it's like to make up an excuse. They don't understand how it is that every little thing feels like the beginning of the end of everything good.

And of course when you open up and try to explain it all to them, they can't make sense of it. Of course they can't make sense of it. It doesn't make sense. It's all wrong.

But to the person experiencing it, it feels like the truth. It feels real. That's because to the person experiencing it, it is real.

There's no way to make people understand depression.

And who would want to really?

If you love someone, would you want them to know what this darkness feels like? What it feels like to be completely helpless and lost?

Of course not.

It's a strange mixture of wanting people to understand, but hoping they never understand. It's a mixture of wanting to talk about it with them, but knowing that they don't quite get it. It's a mixture of hating people for not understanding what they're doing to you and loving them for attempting to talk to you. It's a mixture of hating people for saying all the wrong things, and loving them for listening and saying anything at all.

There's a line by Green Day that says, "Every time I'm falling down, you take the repercussions."

I don't want anyone to take the repercussions. I don't want to be falling down. I don't want to force someone to catch me. I'm sorry if I do that. I promise, I'm aware of it. I hate it. I don't mean to do it. I do it because things that people do may not be a big deal, but they feel like a big deal. Things that shouldn't hurt, do hurt. So it comes out as anger and frustration at you, when it's really anger and frustration with the situation and their own emotions. At least, that's how it is for me.

If anyone has ever done this to you, please understand that they don't mean to. Please don't blame them, or me, for it.

I would also like to point out that depression isn't taking the good things in life for granted. Depression doesn't make you feel like there's nothing good in your life. Depression makes you cling to the things that are good. It makes you terrified of losing them. When someone is depressed, the things that are good for them are more important than ever, because those are the things that can still provide positive thoughts.

I've been told in the past that I was stupid for being depressed because I was taking my life and the good things in it for granted. I've never taken my life for granted. I've never taken my family or friends or my significant other for granted. I've been afraid to lose them. I've been upset with them when they couldn't understand what depression can do to me and why their actions have a particular affect on me because of it. I've been terrified of letting them down and making myself unwanted in their eyes. But I have never, and will never, take them for granted.

Depression isn't something that people choose. I don't wake up in the morning and think, "I'm going to have a bad day today. I'm going to be depressed." I wake up in the morning afraid and alone and lost and helpless when I'm depressed. I wake up in the morning and think, "I just want to get through this day and feel better at the end of it."

Depression makes people hope for better days, even though they feel as if they'll never come.

It's just a matter of time and coping, two things that I am currently working on. Two things that require support from loved ones. Two things that don't come quickly or easily. Two things that I hope those closest to me can understand.

I promise that I am working on them. I know when I get like this and I know that I need to work to keep myself from getting as bad as I have in the past. I know that things will get better. I know that. That's why I am working on things. I know I have something to live for and that the world isn't over.

I'm working on these things because I want those better days that I know are waiting for me. I want my future. I want my plans.

In all honesty, I feel better after writing this. (Also after talking to someone whom I absolutely adore He definitely deserves a lot of credit for the fact that I am in a significantly better mood now than I was three hours ago.)

Sometimes writing is therapeutic (and consequently, incredibly draining).

With that, I'm off to bed. Sorry for the ridiculously-difficult-to-follow blog post.

Maybe someday I'll actually make good on my promise to (coherently) write in here more often.

I want to reiterate that this is all from my perspective. I know I speak generally by talking about "people who have experienced depression" and how these people "feel" and "think" in certain situations. I'm not talking about a population. I'm talking about from my experience.

Please understand that. I don't want to force my opinions and experiences on everyone and I do NOT want to belittle anyone else's opinions or experienced.

Currently playing on my iPod: The Script

They are awesome. You know it.

Also, the fact that I am in an incredibly long-distance relationship really drives some of their lyrics home. One in particular that has been playing in my head for over a week now: "If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be..."

I know, that's the song that everyone knows. But it's popular for a reason, let's be honest here.

like a pill

Hello friend.

I'm currently in the car on the way to a restaurant with my parents. We're going to meet up with my aunt uncle and cousin for my aunt's birthday. I just took some oxycodone because I woke up in excruciating pain. I also took some ibuprofen since I'm swollen like a chipmunk stocking up for winter.
Is it incredibly vain of me for not wanting to go anywhere in public looking like this?

I'm not looking forward to sing high again today. I'm looking forward to not being pain, but at this point I can't imagine my mouth ever being normal again.
Okay that was overly dramatic. But really, it's a pain in the ass. I'm so sick of being in pain, of being high, of not being full, not being able to sing, not being able to focus, being swollen, etc. etc.
Sorry. I was complaining like this to my friend J-Pop last night. His name isn't actually J-Pop. It's James. I have never actually called him that. He was introduced to me as J-Pop so that is his name as far as I am concerned.
Anyhow, I was complaining to him last night. It was the only conversation I could stay focused on. I went all day yesterday trying to talk to people but I couldn't focus.
Yesterday was truly an awful day.

The oxycodone is starting to take effect now. I'm both thankful and resentful for it. I'm losing my ability to focus, therefore losing interest in this blog post. I'm also feeling a bit less sore, thank God!
Oh well. Sorry for another ridiculous post making pretty much no sense, I'm sure.

Currently playing on my iPod: Whatever my parents are playing in the car.
I don't really care at the moment. Music is more enjoyable when you can lose yourself in it, which I just can't do. I can't focus on a song enough to lose myself in it. I can't sing along. I can't properly appreciate it. It's such a shame. Just another thing I hate about being high.

i get high with a little help from my friends

Hello friend.

I've spent today high off my ass.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. It was my first surgery ever. I was terrified. I couldn't sleep the night before so I Skype-called George and fell asleep listening to him talk about Doctor Who with his sexy accent.

When I got to the office the next morning, they brought me straight into the room and started hooking me up to monitors. I started to freak out and cry. I asked my mom to come in with me because I was scared. She was laughing at me for crying. I yelled at her to either be supportive or leave. My mother has a history of making fun of me when I'm uncomfortable. Eventually the surgeon came in and sent her away. They gave me laughing gas to calm me down and then the anesthesia and I was gone. I woke up once during the procedure, to which they gave me more anesthesia. They next time I woke up they were taking the IV out of my arm.

I was very uncomfortable and in a decent amount of pain. Mom went to get a shot that she needed and left me in the car. I was miserable, and pissed. She brought me home and had to go back out to get my pain killers. It was unbearable.

Eventually I got some drugs to take the edge off the pain and my friend Rachel came over. She took care of me. She made me soup and brought me my medications and bought me a milkshake. We vegged all day. Did I mention she got her wisdom teeth out on Wednesday? No, I didn't. Well she did, and she was wonderful.

Today, however, sucked. Since I had some strong pain yesterday, the pain meds just took care of that. They didn't make me loopy or high or anything. Since today I just felt sore, they took care of the soreness and made me high. At first it was fun. I realized I was spacing and felt a bit light headed and thought it was pretty cool, seeing as I've never been high before.

But it got old. Quickly. I felt useless. Unable to focus on anything. I tried blogging tons of times earlier today and just couldn't focus my thoughts. I tried writing a song, watching television, watching youtube, anything. I couldn't even stay focused long enough to surf tumblr.

I felt so useless today. So incredibly useless. How the hell do stoners do it?! Why would anyone ever choose to fill their days with nothingness?

Is it awful that I can't even stay focused on this blog post any longer? I'm still a bit high. I took one more pill so I could fall asleep and not be in pain. I hate it. I'm a bit tired, but I know if I were to fall asleep it would just be the drugged up stupor I've been in all day where I can hear everything around me but just can't move my body. It sucks so much.

Sorry if this post is so incredibly incoherent and is laden with awful use of the English language. I can't really help it. I don't have the attention span to go back and read it right now. I'm sure I'll read it at some point tomorrow and think it's incredibly ridiculous. Whatever. I don't even care right now. I just wanted to finish this post, which I did even if it's shit.

Currently playing on my iPod: nothing...

Yeah. I've been that miserable today.

I dont do well being useless.