drop everything now

Hello friend.

Oh look! I'm alive!
The few times I was able to update this past semester I complained about being incredibly busy. For that reason, I will not complain about that now. You know I was busy. Point made.

Other news, I bought an iPhone. Before you go all "You're such a hypocrite!" on me, you should know that I bought it because my old phone was kind of falling apart and the screen was having spasms and the alarms weren't going off anymore. I needed a phone I could count on, and being the Apple fan that I am, I trust the iPhone. You should also know that I lost my phone yesterday and didn't notice until my friend Rachel and I were leaving the mall because I don't compulsively check my phone every thirty seconds. Luckily a nice woman and her husband found it and called my mom, who called rachel and told me to call them to get it back. It's nice knowing that there are still good people in the world.


I've established that I am too efficient and obsessive-compulsive for Sikorsky.
Yes, I'm back working at Sikorsky. I didn't mention that much during the summer because I was either working or hanging out with George. Also, I wasn't updating at all because at that point, this was still a private blog and I didn't want George to find it because I didn't want anyone I knew to find it and he easily would have been able to look over my shoulder and see it since we were kind of living in the same house for three months.
ANYWAYS...
I'm back at Sikorsky, which is both a good and a bad thing.
Working is good. It gets me money, which helps me pay for things, like food for both myself and Hedwig, and my phone plan, and my car insurance. You know, that stuff.
The bad thing about Sikorsky is that I'm kind of obsessive-compulsive when I'm working on a project. I like for things to look perfect and neat and whatnot. Understandable if you ask me. Especially in a professional atmosphere. Unfortunately, not everyone at Sikorsky agrees. For the past three days I've been working out of a 900 page document. It is incredibly sloppy and the page numbers in the table of contents are off and it's relentlessly given me headaches. I did the best I could to complete my project and get it to look as clean and professional as I could given what I had to work with. (Really though, you would expect that a group of engineers would be incredibly meticulous regarding the documentation of the workings of their helicopters.) Of course, I know of a way to get it even cleaner, but it would probably take me ages..
Which I might have time to do, since I am obviously too efficient for Sikorsky as well.
This week at Sikorsky is a week off. Most people aren't coming into the office. I, however, am a college student about to start paying for graduate school. I am working. My supervisors gave me work to do that they thought would keep me busy for the week. I've worked about 20 hours this week and I'm already almost done. I'm not quite sure what I'll do if I end up finishing my work with a day and a half to spare, which is what it looks like will happen. I guess I can go through and perfect my assignment. Make it look better than the document from which I'm extracting information.
Being incredibly efficient is kind of a drag. Should I just not work a full week and not get paid as much just because I can do the amount of work that would take some people 40 hours in 25? When I was working here this summer, it wasn't really a bad thing. I just got more assignments and got to work with more people. I guess it's only inconvenient when no one is here to give me other things to work on and if I want to work a full 40-hour-week I need to either slow down or take the extra time needed to perfect my work.
(I'm not at all trying to say that I'm better than anyone else at doing these tasks. I'm saying that the task that I was given for this week is big and long, and I just happened to figure out a way to work on it that was incredibly efficient for myself. I like getting things done and I like getting them done quickly so that my supervisors know that they can count on me. Sorry if you took any of that the wrong way.)


Now that the semester is over, I'm working on a lot of musical projects every day when I get home from work. Another should be popping up within the next couple days (fingers crossed). I did this one for Christmas. I hope you like it.

Right. I didn't talk about Christmas in here at all. Or about the Doctor Who Christmas Special. (Or should I say the WONDERFUL Doctor Who Christmas Special...) Or about how I've gotten my parents addicted to Doctor Who, especially my dad. Oh well. All topics for another time. You know, since I actually have time to update now.

Currently playing on my iPod: Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift.
If you follow my collab channel, allmadeofawesome, then you know that I adore Taylor Swift. This song never particularly stood out to me before about a week and a half ago when Kelsey told me that it reminded her of Anna and St. Clair from "Anna and the French Kiss" by Stephanie Perkins. I thought about it and listened to the song a few times keeping them in mind and it really is the perfect song for them.
Not to mention, this song and all of Taylor's other songs have incredibly relatable lyrics. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but it's always nice to be able to relate to someone.

and may your dreams be realized

Hello friend,

My exams are over. They've actually been over for 6 days now. I just can't catch a break and am still incredibly busy.

I survived the two weeks relatively unscathed. I got A's for both parts of my Italian exam as well as my Calculus exam, A-'s for my French Literature and Culture exam as well as my Chemistry exam. The only exam grades I am less-than-ecstatic about are my Lab Practical and Midterm for my Lab in Physiological Psychology. Bombed. It happens. The timing of the exam among all my others was the worst, plus it was also, by far, the hardest of the exams I took. Oh well. I now know what to expect in the future. Not too much harm done.

I wanted to write sooner, but I couldn't think of what to really write about. I'm sure no one in interested in how I did on my exams.

What I did do, which I think you may be interested in, as a bit of a reward was fit in a bit of leisure reading. I decided to read Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins. I've been wanting to read it for a very long time, so it's about time I do so.

This book is, as expected, incredible. It is romantic, funny, sad, beautiful. The writing in it is fantastic switching seamlessly from witty to descriptive. (Also know, I can only handle so much description. That happens to be the reason why I no longer read Dickens. A door knocker should not take two pages to describe.) Stephanie describes everything in the book perfectly. I want, more than almost anything, to go back to Paris and see it the way she describes it.

But this is not meant to be a book review. This is about my thoughts upon finishing the book.

Usually, when I read a book with a happy ending, I tend to be a tad more cynical than your average reader. I can't help but think, how long do the characters stay happy? How long do they stay together before another fight breaks out, or before something tragic happens? What are the chances that the largest portion of the drama in these character's lives happens to be within the time frame of page one and page x? It's not very likely.

But for the first time in a while, I close the book and set it down with a different frame of mind. It has nothing to do with the characters themselves. They are no more in love with each other than other characters in other books. They haven't gone through a more trying obstacle that declares that they must be together forever since they survived. They don't deserve it more than anyone else.

I leave this book with a different frame of mind because of a change in myself.

I've heard people say that this book has renewed their faith in love. This book didn't renew my faith in love. It just reflected my newly renewed faith in love.

I now believe, and this was so before picking up this book, that love can survive anything. That the drama in a character's story can end eventually. That at some point, people can live happily ever after.

That's a nice thought isn't it? That someday we all have the potential to fall in love and wake up happy every single morning. That someday we will smile at the thought of loving somebody, and at the thought of being loved. That's something worth believing in.

I have been very unable to sleep tonight.

I'm not sure if it's the DSPS, or the bit of tea I had at around 23:00, or possibly the billions of thoughts swimming in my head, or maybe it was the fate of me needing to finish this book that kept my eyes opened. Maybe it's the lack of someone next to me. It's hard to fall asleep in an empty bed when you feel so small and alone in it by yourself.

Either way, I am awake and I am happy. This book has made me smile more than a book has in a while, and in a very different way at that. Maybe it is the sheer fact that I am a romantic and a complete sucker for anything of the romantic genre. Maybe because I see the characters as people rather than just a figment of the imagination. Maybe because I believe, for once, that a couple in a book wont break up the minute I read the final page. I can't describe it. But I like it.

Sorry if this post has made very little sense. Please be aware that I am writing it having not slept in about 23 hours.

Currently playing on my iPod: Pocket Vinyl

I recently discovered this band at a Wrock show. They are not Wrock. But they are incredible. There's nothing sexier than a pianist. Add to it, piano rock, full instrumentation background, incredible lyrics, fantastic harmonies, and improvised artwork. Please look them up. Words I use to describe their music and their ability as performers will not do them justice. They are truly one of a kind, and worth recognition.

any day could be the last

Hi friend.

I know I just said that I will be updating this more often. That was a lie.

I will be taking a social network hiatus for the next 2 weeks. I have 7 exams, plus a paper due, plus tons of homework, all within the next 16 days. I've already rescheduled my GRE to a later date so that I don't need to take it amongst all of my other exams. (I'm a tad terrified about doing so, as now I will only be able to take it once, so I better make it count if I want to get into graduate school.)

My roommate will be changing my facebook password tomorrow so that I can't use it as a distraction. I will also not be uploading onto YouTube until the Friday of my last exam (October 21).

My time on other social networking sites will be limited as well (though I may post a twitter update occasionally just to let everyone know that I am still, in fact, alive). Unfortunately, as will my time on Skype and iChat.

I hope all my friends understand. My schoolwork really just needs to come first right now.

Tomorrow, I will be planning out pretty much every day down to the hour until October 21st at 5:30PM. Even then I'll have to resume studying for the GREs.

So everyone have a nice life for the next two weeks. I'll see you again when I emerge from the ashes.

Currently playing on my iPod: The World is Mine by Alex Day

I needed some chill music. I spent a lot of time crying today from stress. Something tells me that will be a recurring theme until these two weeks are over..

his hands are busy working overtime

Hello friend.

I'm so busy it's disgusting.

And of course I'm writing a blog.

Shush. I need to de-frag a bit before I start treading through the work that is currently drowning me.

Usually this work-load wouldn't really get to me. However, there are two things that are currently eating away at me that I normally don't need to deal with.

1. My writing intensive class

2. GREs

My writing intensive class is very writing intensive. I was expecting that to be the case. That's not what's worrying me. What worries me is what the teacher tells me (and the whole class for that matter) about my (our) writing skills. Every paper that I hand in comes back with so many markings on it, it's a bit ridiculous.

I understand that the writing skills of my generation are severely lacking. I remember in high school, our teachers tried to teach us basic grammar. They always said they would and they never did a full unit on it. We're paying for it now.

My professor says that my main issues are in organizing my paper in the most persuasive and flow-inducing way. I've always known I had an issue with that, but I never thought it was as intense as she has kind of made it out to be.

It just scares me. I'm supposed to be applying to get into graduate programs right now. I am, now more than ever, terrified that I can't get in. That I don't have adequate enough writing skills to get into my program. It's a terrifying thought. And this course is just so intimidating. I know in the end it will be worth it and I will be in a much better place with my writing. It's just such a difficult process to get there.

GREs are a little terrifying as well. I know that graduate schools look at more than just GRE test scores like GPA and letters of recommendation and interviews and all that jazz. But I don't want to rely on that and hope that they'll overlook low GRE scores. I need to do well on them. I don't want to give schools any reason to not accept me.

It's just kind of a big deal, and I'm kind of terrified.

Graduation is also really terrifying. As is the real world.

But I'm not going to talk about that today. I have enough on my plate and don't have the time to get into those giant fears of mine at the moment.

Currently playing on my iPod: Jet Lag by Simple Plan featuring Natasha Bedingfield

I've been listening to a lot of Simple Plan again lately. The thing that I like about them is that their new stuff is still really fantastic. It's refreshing to find a band that will stay true to themselves and their music identity.

an alignment to cry

Hello friend.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

You know that feeling when you just need something? Well, you don't actually need something. I mean, you're not going to die without it. It's not like your body is slowly dying and you need medicine. It's not like you are physically debilitated in any way.

But emotionally... that's another story.

You just feel so torn up without it. It's this pain and agony that eat away at you. A longing that you just cannot control. A craving that you cannot satiate.

That's almost worse though, isn't it? Something that puts you into so much pain but will never actually kill you.

I'm sure I'll be alright. I just sometimes get overwhelmingly sad still. I think I always will have that possibility. I don't think there's a way to escape it sometimes.

Last night was an outlier. It was bad. I let dark thoughts take over. Dark untrue thoughts. I hate that I did that. I really am sure that this will all be alright. I know that my sadness is only temporary. I know how this story is going to end, and I love it. I look forward to it. I dream about it and smile at the thought. It's just a matter of getting there.

Currently playing on my iPod: Mumford & Sons

Love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free.

no you wont be mine

Hello friend.

A somewhat large amount of cleaning needs to be done in my room. Not really a large amount, just large in relation to how I tend to keep this room. However, I have been feeling quite ill since Friday and I thought that my time and strength would best be spent in bed composing a blog post.

A friend of mine asked me today to tell her about Nerdfighteria. I've been telling her about how wonderful this community is for months. It really is a perfect fit for her as she adores Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, science fiction, and video games. I must have sent her about twenty links to youtube channels and videos in response to her recent request.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

I despise the stereotype that boys and girls can't be just friends. It drives me crazy. Probably because it is true to some extent.

I like friends very much. I like to meet new people and I like to be friendly. I've been told that I am a bit of a flirt, though I honestly don't do so intentionally. (Most of my friends that know me probably wont agree with that last statement, but it is true.) I really just am incredibly friendly and my friendliness is often what is misinterpreted as flirtatiousness. Now I have some male friends with whom that is perfectly fine. Unfortunately that isn't quite the case all the time.

I recently made a new friend. We work together and live in the same apartment complex so we tend to walk to work and home together. No one likes to walk in silence, so we talk while we journey across campus. This all turned out to be good and fine until one night he asked for my phone number. He said it was so we could communicate to walk to work together when our shifts start at the same time. Once I gave it to him and we parted to our apartments, he texted me asking if I wanted to do homework with him the following day. We don't have any classes together, but I've just sat and done homework with friends in the past so I said yes. He came over and we hung out and did homework. My roommates were in and out. When he left, they kept saying how he liked me. I chose to ignore this, partly because I'm not interested in him in that way, and partially because I didn't want to think that we couldn't just be friends and that there had to be some other level to the relationship.

The following Friday I was asked out to a movie by him. When I declined by saying that I had plans with my roommates, he asked if I wanted to go iceskating on Sunday before work, which I also declined due to my large amount of homework.

I think it's safe to say that I can no longer ignore the fact that this kid wants to date me...

But what am I supposed to do? How do you tell someone that you're not interested? How do you tell someone that they are an awesome person and you enjoy hanging out with them, but you don't wish to pursue anything further? How do you make an effort to be friends with someone without every effort you make being read as a hint or advance?

That is what I need to figure out, because I kind of need to let him know that he shouldn't be chasing me.

I have established that I am more than happy with my current emotional state. I feel comfortable, accepted, happy, confident, and productive. I don't need a relationship with this boy to better my current state of being. I don't want one.

Part of this conclusion was reached by a recent discovery of mine. I've realized that I'm most likely not going to find my husband at this university. I'm only here for eight more months before I'm thrown into the real world. I don't know where I'll be living, if I'll be enrolled in a graduate program, or if I'll be working full-time. I have some big decisions in the coming months of my life. I don't need someone in my life who may try to influence some of those choices in any particular direction for any reason other than my best interest.

(I'm very against my life being run by other people. Especially those with whom I am in a relationship. This is entirely due to having once been ruled over by a significant other. I didn't like myself then. I refuse to be like that again.)

Long story short: How can I kindly tell a friend that I view him as only a friend? And how can I continue being friendly without him reading more into my actions?

Actually, let's generalize that last one. How can I be friendly and engaging and meet new people without anyone reading into my actions? Or is it that impossible to shake the stereotype that boys and girls can't be just friends?

And with that, I'm off to fight this cold in my sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I can stop feeling not-some. I'm sick of being sick!

Currently playing on my iPod: The World Is Mine - Alex Day

When I say this I mean the whole album, not just that particular song.

I adore Alex's musical style and his voice. They are incredible and they go hand in hand. However the things about Alex's music that get me the most are his lyrics. They are just so good! They are relevant to life (at least to mine they are to an accuracy that is worthy of goosebumps) and they flow with the music so well. His lyrics are pure poetry simply put to music. Music is the most meaningful when all of the parts stand on their own. Alex's music is beautiful and his lyrics are profound. When they come together, they make an album that both disappoints and excites you when it's over. Disappoints because it's over. Excites because you get to listen to it again.

i find myself seeing you again

Hello friend.

Remember when I started this blog I said that it was private?

Yeah, I think I'm done with that.

Don't get me wrong. I love having a private blog where I don't need to worry about what I say, but in all honesty, I do worry. I worry that a friend will find it and tell everyone else it's out there. I'd rather just be open about everything so I don't need to be worried about being "found out."

I've also realized that I haven't felt very motivated to post. I want to be able to really share this blog and I guess I was hesitant to post before because I knew that I couldn't really get my word out to the people around me for fear that it would eventually get out to the people who are regularly in my life. Not like I said anything bad about the people who are in my life on here, because I don't. Nor do I intend to. I just like the idea of being more open.

So I'm going public. And now instead of asking complete strangers not to judge me, I'm asking my friends not to judge me.

So here's a quick update on what's been happening in my life since April when I last wrote in here.

George was here in the states! It was incredible! I can't even begin to tell you all the wonderful stories we have accumulated. We went to Agloe, Wizard Rock shows, the Con Tour, VidCon, Six Flags, New York City and so much more. We spent this summer showing the people around us that two people can become best friends even from opposite sides of the world.

He's back in New Zealand now, which is still a little bit difficult for me to handle. When you're used to seeing and talking to someone everyday for about three months, not having them next to you feels wrong.

I'm currently at school and swamped as ever. I'd rather not talk about that seeing as I spent all day doing homework (except for the hour that was spent watching the lastest Doctor Who episode).

This summer has been a very inspiring segment of my life. I want to vlog more, write more, play my guitar more. I've started writing some songs and I've been working on tons of covers that I am ridiculously excited about sharing. I've got some new inspiration for writing some stories that I started in the past and never got around to finishing. I want to make vlogging more regular. After seeing how passionately people talked about it at VidCon and realizing how I really can meet some of the most incredible people in the world through it, it's something that I know I want to pursue and continue and just have fun doing.

Hopefully this all turns out alright. Since I am really busy with school and graduate school applications, a lot of my creativity will have to be moderated for a bit. I think I can handle that though. So bear with me, please.

And welcome to my new public blog. I'm excited to post in here again. Really. I know I've said that in the past but now that I feel more open I think I really will keep the motivation going.

Currently playing on my iPod: Taylor Swift - Speak Now

From reading any of my past entries, you should know that I am a hopeless romantic. This song is pretty much a romantic daydream. The best part... It comes true. Not to mention, the song is incredible and I absolutely love to blast this song while driving with my windows down.

what would i do without my cell phone?

Hello friend.
I would really appreciate it if you'll read this and not look away to glance at your cell phone for a moment. It would be nice.

I would like to start off by saying that I do not own an iPhone. This was my personal choice. I love touch screen phones but I also love to have one that registers tactile touch. I keep my nails relatively long and text with them. I feel that it increases my precision.
Anyways..

I feel like people value IRL relationships less and less as of late. Thanks to technology, smart phones specifically in this case, we have the ability to be connected to the internet 24 hours per day. We can skype from the car and we can stalk the facebook feed while in class. Granted, this can potentially be useful. We can look up directions if we get lost or we can send an important business email. But if you ask me, it's gotten to the point where this is just ridiculous.
Now, I will be the first to admit that I am helplessly addicted to the internet. Between my YouTube channels, my secret blog, my Twitter account, my DailyBooth account, and Skype, I am pretty much always connected. But I still crave real human interaction. I love to spend time with my friends. I love to talk to someone over a meal or coffee. I love hugs and friendly physical contact.
But I feel like people are opting out of IRL connections and are moving more towards a life lived entirely online.

Earlier today I was at a meal with Courtney, Kelsey and Britteny. Britteny recently got the new iPhone 4, Kelsey has had an iPhone for about a year now, and Courtney got an iPhone in March. Now I would like for you to remember that I chose to not have an iPhone. For an entire hour, the only conversation that was had was about iPhone apps, themes, etc. And that's only when there was conversation! At one point, Courtney was on tumblr, Kelsey was showing Courtney her new iPhone theme, and Britteny was on facebook. I sat and picked at my lunch, silently.
Is this what time spent with people is going to become? Are we going to completely forget how to be social creatures except through social networking sites?

The main reason why this bothers me is because I have friends who I would give up anything just to spend one day with them, in person. George is a bit obvious, as we have become best friends without ever being able to hug or shake hands even. But also Nicole and Michael. I haven't seen either of them since around my birthday and I miss them terribly. Yes I can IM them or text them, but it's not the same as actually being with them and spending time together. And I know that all three of these people want to spend time, physically, with me. Unfortunately, we just aren't able to do so. Yet here are three other people who I get to have that physical real life interaction with, and they don't actually want to. They'd rather be on their iPhones connected to some online society. Again, I love online societies. What do you think Nerdfighteria is? But there is still a real life component. Gatherings, meetings, VidCon. If you ask me, it's the real life connections that make something like Nerdfighteria so incredibly wonderful.

We, as humans, are social creatures. We're not meant to do absolutely everything through some kind of virtual network. Look at how well it turned out in Wall-E!

she's so lucky

Hello friend.
So every year my school puts on a Relay For Life. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a way to raise awareness of cancer and and funds to go towards cancer research. It usually lasts two days and goes through the night. There are "teams" who are trying to raise money and they're all located inside a large track. I say "teams" because they aren't competing. They're coming together. Around the track are signs with facts about cancer as well as candles dedicated to people who have battled/are battling cancer. Each "team" needs to have someone walking around the track at all times, including throughout the night to signify how cancer never sleeps.
My family is really involved in Relays back home because my father is a cancer survivor. He was diagnosed when I was a sophomore in high school and has been cancer free for five years. It really brought my family together and we spread the story when we can. Relay is one of those places.
I wasn't really involved in this one but I went and walked a few laps and watched some of the performances. I'm sure I'll take part in a bunch this summer since my family loves getting involved in them.
Going to Relay just made me think about how lucky I am to have my dad. He really is my role model and thinking back, I don't know what I would have done had I lost him. He's always been my superhero, but now he is even more so.
I guess there's really no way to say how I feel about him or how happy I am that he's still present in my life. I guess part of the reason that I feel so grateful is because by being so involved with Relay, I've met people haven't been so lucky and have lost their loved ones.
I really am lucky.

Currently playing on my iPod: I Think Ur a Contra - Vampire Weekend
This song is so stuck in my head it's ridiculous. But it's such a beautiful song, and I'm going to teach myself how to play it on guitar so I can cover it.

these magic changes

Hello friend.
So I've been thinking lately.
I love posting on YouTube. I'd like to continue doing so for a while. Unfortunately, when I created my YouTube account, I was so incredibly uncreative and I used my ID for school. I didn't think to create a new account when I started vlogging, and I've been beating myself up over it.
So I'm starting a new channel. One that I will really be active on. I already have a music channel which I will begin using for my music (go figure) and my new channel will be just vlogging. I'll keep my old channel around for those videos because I do love seeing how far I've come with vlogging since October when I started.
I'm a bit nervous about the transition though. I feel like it's so difficult to get people to subscribe to a second channel. Hopefully if I stress that this will become my main channel then most of my current 54 subscribers will also subscribe to it.
I just feel like when it comes to vlogging, you want to have a unique and memorable channel name. I currently don't, and it's been bugging me so much.
Besides, I might as well make the change now when I only have 54 subscribers rather than wait until I have a more substantial viewer base and have to tear them away from what they're used to.
Gosh, I really hope it's widely accepted. Luckily I've been making enough of a name for myself on YouTube that I don't think it should be too much of a problem. There's also always the ning.
I really think this change will be worth it in the future. Any ideas or advice? I'd really greatly appreciate it.
The new channel by the way is SaradactylMichelle and my music channel is SaraMichelleMusic.
Gosh I'm nervous about this. I really hope it works out well.

Currently playing on my iPod: Vampire Weekend
I don't know what to say other than they are wonderful. Such a different sound than most of what's out there right now. When one of their songs comes on you know it's them, but not because all of their songs sound the same. All of their songs sound different. Fantastic and Beautiful.

this could be danger

Hello friend.
I am so tired, despite a full eight hours of sleep last night.
When Kevin walked into History this morning I told him I got a full night's sleep and he responded with, "So about four hours?" When I told I actually got eight hours of sleep he looked at me and said "I don't hear those kinds of numbers from you except during summer and winter breaks!" Sadly, he's right. I usually get around four hours of sleep per night, maybe up to five or six.

I was thinking about George a lot today. When I told him this he responded with, "I was thinking about you all day!"
I was also thinking about Paul today. We haven't talked in a while. I kind of imagine in my head that I'll be walking somewhere and he'll be with his friends and he'll see me and point me out and say that we haven't talked in a while and they would say something to the effect of, "What's your problem? Go up to her and talk to her now!" Granted, the day dream is a lot more vivid and detailed than I just made it out to be, but I am really tired and I can't really process emotions at the moment, not to mention think about them without going absolutely insane.

We ended up winning that basketball game. There were riots afterwards because UConn kids are dumb and animals and like to break stuff. They flipped a few cars, set some fires, broke all the lamp posts near one of the dorms on campus, and other stupid stuff. Yes, I'm happy that we won, but is the riot really necessary? No! It also bothers me that these people don't realize that the money to replace everything that was broken will come out of our tuition and will only force the university to raise it even more!

Currently playing on my iPod: 30 Seconds to Mars
If you like an album that encompasses a wide array of musical sounds and styles, then I would suggest listening to This Is War. The songs are so easy to get into, but they still keep you on your toes.

i'm miles away

Hello friend.
Today has been an absolutely awful day. I slept for an hour, only because I knew that I needed some amount of sleep. I then woke up and continued to study for my exam. The exam didn't feel too hard. But it was. I learned this when the grades were posted. I guess I'll just have to ace the final.
I fell asleep in chemistry lecture, went to work and tutored, then went to No Witness.
No Witness actually went amazingly well.
But I can't go into detail about that right now. I'm far too tired and am seeing double as I try to type this out before midnight.
I promise I'll have a blog with actual content tomorrow. I also promise it'll be more eloquently written. Apparently my writing suffers when I'm this tired.

Currently playing on my iPod: In His Eyes - Jekyll and Hyde
Beautiful show, beautiful music. I can relate to this song more than I would usually care to admit.
More on that another time.

you all ready for this?

Hello friend.
This is going to be a very short post because I have an exam to study for. Biology of the Brain. Interesting, but the PNB departments makes the class so much harder than it needs to be.
My school is currently playing in the championship game in March Madness. I haven't really been following until recently because we always make it to the final four. Our women lost last night which was pretty surprising. A lot of people were pretty bummed out today. I don't quite get it. It's a sports team. These people who you idolize are just regular students like yourself. Yes, they are amazing basketball players, but does them winning or losing affect you so much so that you feel the need to cause a riot after the game? (Just to clarify, riots occur both after we win and lose. People can't cope with failure. People get high off of success.)
I think that people get crazy when it comes to things like Final Four or the Super Bowl. I think it's because I didn't grow up with getting excited about basketball or football. My dad and grandfather brought me up playing and watching baseball. When people get crazy into a baseball game or the World Series, I find that perfectly normal. But when people are screaming out of their dorm room windows every time we get a basket, that just seems so foreign to me.
I should mention that as I am writing this, I'm also watching the game on mute. (I can't handle the squeaking of their sneakers as they run across the floor.) I'm learning a lot about the game. People fall a lot. And the game is very fast-paced. It's enjoyable, I must admit. And I hope we win. I am proud to be a Husky, even if I don't always follow the games and show it.
If you feel a little gypped with such a short blog, by all means I encourage you to enjoy the video that I posted for VEDA today. It's also pretty short, but with this exam, it's really all I could do. Same with this. Oh well. Enjoy.
Go Huskies! Hm, maybe I'll follow more next year. It will be my last year as a Husky, after all.

i'm wasting my days, i throw them away

Hello friend.
So I should not be blogging right now. I have so much to do.

The last performance of All in the Timing went pretty well, but I don't think we made back all the money that we spent on it. It's kind of sad because it was such a great show and we all put so much work into it. Oh well. I guess it happens some times.
After rehearsal I had time to grab some lunch and then had to go straight to A Very Potter Musical rehearsal. We're putting up the opening number as part of a variety show and I'm Hermione. It's super fun, but at this point, it's just another thing to be stressed out about.
And then there's No Witness. Why do I take on so much? No Witness is a short show that's being put on by the Women's Center on campus. It's a trial of a rape case meant to challenge the audience's views of rape. Twelve members of the audience will be selected as jurors and they decide on the verdict after we give them the case. It's a pretty interesting show, but in all honesty it's also extremely disturbing. I'm playing the defense attorney, so I'm probably the most hated character in the show, apart from the accused. Again, it's a fun experience getting ready for the show and I'm really happy to be a part of it, but it's just  more lines to memorize and less time spent studying for my exam on Tuesday in my Physiology and Neurobiology course. (This class may kill me. Or at least, my GPA.)

I also should have studied more last night, but instead after the show, Eliza and I decided to watch both Tangled and How to Train Your Dragon. She had never seen How to Train Your Dragon which is a crime in my mine (even though the first time I ever saw it was about three weeks ago) and I had never seen Tangled. Both of these movies are phenomenal and I would readily suggest either of them if you ever need a good animated adorable movie.

So here I am, in the Student Union, unable to study any more. I have rehearsal for No Witness in fifteen minutes for two hours. Then I get to go to my room, attempt to get a short VLog in before midnight, and continue studying.
There are times when I wish I didn't go to college. Where I wish I could just travel the world or go into a profession that didn't require so much school. Then I realize how much I love learning. The only classes that really make me feel like this are the ones where I feel like I'm not actually getting anything out of them. The classes that I need to take rather than the ones I want to take. I also think about how I wouldn't be able to be in the real world just yet. College is cushy, despite what you may hear. Yeah, we're all broke college students, but we aren't paying rent, we don't have too hard of a time finding a job on campus, and we have the ability to take relatively light course loads. I'm going to be graduating in just over a year, and that thought terrifies me. It's not even like I'm going directly into the real world. I'm just going to graduate school. But I'm still really uneasy about leaving undergrad.
It's not like when I left high school. I was ready to leave high school half way through my sophomore year. Half way through my sophomore year of college, I couldn't believe that I was half-way finished with my degree.
Speaking of, I really need to schedule my GRE's for this summer. I also need to keep in mind to take them when George wont be at my house. I don't want to be freaking out studying while he's here, and I definitely don't want to ditch him for a day while I go take the test.

I can't wait until he gets here. I can't stop thinking about how amazing this summer is going to be and how much I'm looking forward to it. The thing that makes it worse is that I know he feels the exact same way. He imed me right when he woke up this morning saying that he's been missing me and it was exceptionally strong this morning. I told him that I had a dream about going to New Zealand to see him. I kind of love this kid and I have no idea what to expect this summer, though I do know it'll be fantastic and unforgettable.


Currently playing on my iPod: All Time Low
I needed to listen to music that I don't know all the words for when studying. All Time Low wont do for much longer, unfortunately. I either listen to them a lot, or I study a lot. Or both.

i see friends shaking hands

Hello friend.
So I didn't mention in my blog on April 1st that I want to try to do BEDA (Blog Every Day in April) this year. I just want to be in the habit of writing in here more often. Or writing in general more often.
I'm also going to be attempting VEDA (replace Blog with Vlog) however I'm making a small adjustment. I'm a member of a collab channel called allmadeofawesome and I post every Friday. I'm going to use those videos to count for my friday videos during VEDA because I know that I wont be able to post twice on those days. Thursdays are going to be difficult as it is just because they are so busy for me. I'm not sure how well I'll do, but I figured I might as well make an attempt.

How wonderful it is to have a best friend. One whom you can speak to about absolutely anything. One that will always make time for you and reminds you that they want to spend time with you. One like my friend Dave.
Dave and I met the beginning of our sophomore year in college. He had just gone through a pretty bad break-up. I was in the middle of one with the guy who messed me up pretty badly regarding my views of trust and closeness in relationships. We became fast friends. Second semester of sophomore year when we were both single, we kind of liked each other however neither of us were ready for a relationship after what we had gone through, so we just helped each other through it.
I should probably mention that we met through church. I should also mention that all of the other student members of this church are extremely conservative. They are completely against drinking and can be pretty uptight regarding church traditions (which I am not, but that's a long debate that I have at pretty much every Bible Study and I really don't feel like going into it at the moment). I don't really care if they don't want to drink. Everyone gets to choose what's best for them, like how I've chosen not to have sex untill marriage. But they don't share that same outlook. They tend to judge. Since Dave and I will occasionally go out to a party and drink, we get judged. This only adds to how we understand each other so well.
Dave and I got together to talk today over coffee. He could tell immediately that I haven't been happy this week. I told him he was right, but that's really all I could say. When you feel depressed, you can't really explain why. It's just there, and it sucks. It also doesn't help that I haven't been getting any sleep.
Dave has a talent. He can always make me feel better. He compliments me, and really means it. He abolishes the doubts that I have in myself and I can tell he's telling the truth because I know he once felt what he's saying. Like when he says that I'm beautiful, I know he wanted to tell me this when we liked each other over a year ago. He is also marvelous at getting me to laugh. He knows exactly how to lighten the mood of any conversation, or he knows just what stories to tell.
It really is a blessing to have a friend like that. This is the same friend who forced me out of bed and to go for a walk the day after I put my dog and best friend down. He really does care, and it's such a nice feeling. It's comforting to know that someone is there to catch me if I fall, and if he can't catch me he'll surely help me back up.

I thought I would get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. I guess not.
The second weekend of "All in the Timing" starts tomorrow. (Have I mentioned yet that I'm involved in amateur theatre?) Honestly, I'm excited for this show to be over. I've had loads of fun with it, but I just don't have time for it anymore. My schedule is going to lighten immensely about half-way through next week. I can't wait.

Currently playing on my iPod: Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
My baby brother just sent me a beautiful arrangement of this song mashed with I'm Yours by Jason Mraz and Don't Worry by Bobby McFerrin. It's absolutely beautiful. I would suggest you check it out.

we've got bigger plans tonight

Hi Friend.
Someone just threw a snow/slush ball at my window. This doesn't really surprise me as my room is one of the few rooms with a light still on at three in the morning. My friend Zack who lives upstairs likes to throw snow at our window. He actually broke the screen once.
But I looked outside to see who had done it, and saw no one. I was expecting to see Zack. I was hoping to see Paul.
I'm such a hopeless romantic sometimes. I make up these crazy adorable scenarios and conversations in my head. This is part of the reason why I love to write. All those adorable moments that I long for wont go to waste and at least a character can experience them. Better than nothing, right? I guess it's silly.
Speaking of writing, I was thinking today of possibly doing Nanowrimo this year. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's National Novel Writing Month. Every November, thousands of people try to write a book in one month. It's difficult to do as a college student since it's right before exams, but part of me really wants to try. Maybe it's the fire I need to actually continue with a story and not abandon it.
I tend to abandon stories that I start. Either because they depress me (usually due to content and who the characters are based off of) or because I'm so happy with what I already have, I don't want to ruin it with anything less than perfect. But like I said, maybe I can kick that habit. I hope I can kick that habit. I'd love to write.
I don't talk about how much I love to write and how badly I want to write a novel with my friends, for multiple reasons. My friends know I used to be really into writing poetry. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I was really good. When I get home I can post some of my old stuff on here. I really am proud of all of it. But also, my roommate is determined to be a novelist. Though, to be honest, her stories are lame in my opinion. Her characters are so young and naive, like her. The plots are so underdeveloped and far-fetched. She thinks she's better than she is. In fact, none of us ever want to hear about her stories, but she forces us to listen. I just don't want to do that. I'd rather keep my desires to write to myself rather than think that everyone is so supportive when really they couldn't care less. Don't get me wrong. I try to be supportive of her, but I can't listen to her talk about these characters and their fifth-grade-like-crushes. It's just so dull. Especially when she decides that she's going to read you a chapter.
Again with the sounding like a terrible person.

I should be tired right now. I've been awake since eight in the morning. Almost 20 hours.
That is the biggest problem with my DSPS. I can be running on very little sleep, or have been going all day, and still not get tired until three or four in the morning. I don't really get the opportunity to catch up on sleep except during weekends when I can kind of sleep in. Unfortunately, I can't spend this whole weekend sleeping. I have a show on both Saturday and Sunday as well as a huge exam on Tuesday to study for.
I might as well try for a few hours of sleep tonight. I'll just have to nap tomorrow afternoon.

Currently playing on my iPod: Hey Kristina - All Caps
Like I said in my earlier post, I've been listening to them all day. This song is beautiful and quickly became a part of another one of my crazy romantic scenarios.

i'm only sleeping

Hi friend. I'm not a morning person. I guess that goes without saying after mentioning that I have a sleep disorder.
I have something known as Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. It's pretty much just a permanent jetlag. It's more annoying than dabilitating, but I get by. While most people in the world get tired around midnight in their respective time zone, I don't get tired until about three or four am. Since I don't get tired until later, my body also isn't ready to wake up until later. It's difficult because I don't live on a socially acceptable schedule. I try to schedule work and classes around it, and while that may be easy in college, I know I won't be able to do that my entire life. Lucky for me, highschool wasn't very lenient as far as scheduling was concerned so I've. Learned how to function on minimal amounts of sleep already.
Time for class. Biology of the brain. Hopfully the coffee I drank this morning will keep me awake and focussed.

Currently playing on my iPod: World of Warcraft Ruined My Life - All Caps
I recently purchased their album Bmin/E. It's absolutely amazing. After all, it must be if it tore me away from The Wallflowers.

those days before i met you

Hello friend. Today has been a weird day. (Which means that you should prepare for a weird blog.)
I spent a good portion of today upset due to family issues. I don't want to go into that now. I've done a large amount of ranting regarding that today and I don't want to be brought back into that mood.
Other than being upset with my parents, I spent another large chunk of today thinking about Paul. It takes a lot to motivate me to write lately, and he has motivated me to write. Maybe it's because he's a poet. Maybe it's because I really like him. Or maybe all of the above. Regardless, I've been writing a story-like piece of prose in which he is the main character. I don't quite know where it's going to go yet, but it's nice to be writing again.
The problem is that writing this got me kind of upset. I would like for us to talk more and be getting to know each other. We haven't spoken in a little over a week. I guess it happens, but I found myself thinking that this isn't going to work out.
After a long day in classes and at work and in the research lab, after haywire emotions ranging from anger at my parents to extreme elation from hanging out with my roommates, I got back to my room and received a message from George asking if I was alright. He saw me update my Twitter saying I was upset and was worried about me. We talked for a while and he kind of calmed me down. To try to cheer me up he started talking about our plans for when he comes to the U.S. this summer.
Today, George posted a YouTube video to end a short series he filmed while on vacation called The Beach House Chronicles. He talked about love and marriage. We were talking on skype as I watched the video and he was asking me what I thought. In all honesty, the video was beautiful. What he had to say was wonderful. The way he recorded the video was adorable and true to himself. It is probably my favorite video of his.
Since I started writing this I've been listening to him on the radio. Every other Wednesday evening (early morning for me) George hosts a radio show to his community in New Zealand. Anyone can listen to the show via the internet, and I've been listening since we met in November. I love listening to his show. He plays wonderful music. He's told me how he loves to do the showing knowing that I'm listening. Tonight he's been playing beautiful love songs.

I'm sorry if this blog seems so incredibly incoherent. Today has been one of those days that seems to go on forever and I am so emotionally and physically drained. Despite my being drained, I wanted to update today. This isn't what I wanted to update about though. I wanted to give you a bit of a look into my past so you could better understand where I'm coming from when I ramble like I did today. I'll have to get on that tomorrow or the next day.
I don't really know where I was going with all of this talk of feelings and stories. I should mention that about two months ago I started a story in which George is a main character. Yes, he got me to write as well.
I'll probably post pieces of these stories at some point in the future.
I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm sorry for the lack of actual content. I promise I'll fix that in the future.

Currently playing on my iPod: Up From Under - The Wallflowers
I've been hooked as of late. They really are phenomenal. I suggest you see for yourself.

take these broken wings and learn to fly

Hello new friend. You may be wondering how it is that I found you. So here is my abridged blog journey.
I had a blog account with Xanga. I've had this account for about a year now, however I don't really like the set-up of the site. Tonight, as I was trying to change the layout of the site to something simple and tasteful, the site crashed and I lost my patience. A friend of mine uses blogspot and seems to be very happy with it. So I figured, Why not?
A bit about me. I'm a twenty-one year old college student majoring in Psychology with a double minor in Cognitive Science and Neuroscience. I love to sing and play my guitar. I also love guys. I like to go on dates and I like to feel wanted, however I hate feeling smothered. I've been diagnosed with a sleep disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I'm a YouTube vlogger and I am active on two channels, my own private channel and a collaboration channel with four other women. If you would care to check out those channels, I would be delighted. However, I ask that you don't post any links or comments that would lead anyone to this blog.
Which leads me to mention that this blog is a secret blog. None of my friends know that I keep a blog, and I'd like to keep it that way. This is my place where I am free from the judgement of the people I know in real life. This is where I can post stories I've had a sudden inspiration for or rants about things in my life that I'm not quite happy about. Above all, this is my place to get my feelings out. I tend to not tell anyone everything. My friends each know some of the things that happen in my life and how I feel about it, but no one knows everything. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of someone I talk to daily knowing everything about my life. So I post here. I let things out and I hope to not be judged for it.

So I start by posing a question. What do you do when you find yourself in bed wishing you were next to someone else? Maybe you don't have someone else in particular in mind. Or maybe you would just rather be alone that night. Or maybe you do have someone in mind. But what do you do? I pretend I'm asleep. This may sound horrible, but like I said, I post here with the expectation that I wont be judged.
I have a friend named Ethan. He is currently doing an internship so he isn't living on campus this semester. He dated one of my best friends from high school last year. So far this semester, when he's come to visit he would crash in my room and I would share my bed with him. I like to cuddle. However Ethan likes to cuddle a little more, and a little differently.
Ethan is one of my best friends and I don't mind sharing my bed with someone whom I'm close with. When he stayed over, he kept trying to cuddle. But he didn't want to cuddle the way two friends cuddle. He wanted to cuddle the way a couple cuddles. I thought the best way to ignore his probes for closeness was to pretend I was already asleep.
I also did this towards the end of my last two relationships. My friend Dave says I have a gift. Whenever I date a guy I get him to fall so madly in love with me that he would instantly put a ring on my finger if given the opportunity. But I'm not ready for that. I don't want a relationship that's going to move that quickly. So to me, boys get incredibly clingy. When boys get clingy, I back away. And when we cuddle, I pretend that I'm sleeping so that I don't need to carres their arm or respond when they whisper into my ear.
I'm sure this is going to come off rather horrible. I'm not a horrible person. I'm not one of those girls who lures guys in and uses them and then dumps them. I just have some issues with closeness and trust in relationships due to having my heart and spirit broken by a man I loved. But that's a story for another time.

For now, let me continue my story by telling you about the two men who are active (or at least I wish for them to be active) in my life right now.
I have already mentioned that I am a YouTuber. Through YT I've met some wonderful people, one by the name of George. George is 17 and lives in New Zealand. We met back in November and as cliche as it sounds, we became best friends instantly. We talk on skype regularly, using both text and video chat. We watch shows and listen to music together. We talk about books and movies. Though we live over 9000 miles away, we've managed to find a way to be so close it feels like I could reach out and touch him. George will be visiting the United States this summer and will be spending a good amount of time with me. We are taking a trip to LA together in July and have so many adventures planned for when he's staying with me.
Then there is Paul. Paul is 21 years old and lives in a dorm that is about ten minutes from my own. We met about a month ago and went on a date about 2 weeks ago. We spent six hours talking, playing guitar, going for walks, and kissing. He's incredible in my opinion. The day after our date, he sent me a message basically saying that I can do better than someone like him. That he used to be a druggy and that I've got a good head on my shoulders and shouldn't settle for someone like him. That I "shouldn't fall for [him] because [he] would only let [me] down." We talked about this all in person a week ago today. I told him that I don't judge him for his past. I told him about my past (again, a story for another time) and we realized a whole other level that we connected on. He said that then as he was sitting next to me, he felt that he had jumped to a rash decision in sending me that message and felt that there was a possibility that something could work between the two of us. That he just needed things to go slowly for his own healing process. I need the same thing, as I am still healing from the relationship that has made me fear closeness and trust. So we decided that we were going to get to know each other, spend time with each other, and leave the possibility of dating a possibility.
These two boys are a lot of what I think about. That probably sounds incredibly pathetic, but it's the truth. They are the basis of a lot of my reflective and creative mind sets. I'll post the stories that I've started inspired by the two of them.There are so many more wonderful things about each of them that I just can't do justice in a blog post. You'll probably hear more about them with time.

With that I am going to head to bed. I'm going to try to post here regularly because I need the outlet and I always feel so much better when I'm writing down (or typing out) how I feel.

Currently playing on my iPod: The Wallflowers
They are amazing. Their music is beautiful. I've been finding myself in awe of them as I practically dance to class.