Hello friend. Today has been a weird day. (Which means that you should prepare for a weird blog.)
I spent a good portion of today upset due to family issues. I don't want to go into that now. I've done a large amount of ranting regarding that today and I don't want to be brought back into that mood.
Other than being upset with my parents, I spent another large chunk of today thinking about Paul. It takes a lot to motivate me to write lately, and he has motivated me to write. Maybe it's because he's a poet. Maybe it's because I really like him. Or maybe all of the above. Regardless, I've been writing a story-like piece of prose in which he is the main character. I don't quite know where it's going to go yet, but it's nice to be writing again.
The problem is that writing this got me kind of upset. I would like for us to talk more and be getting to know each other. We haven't spoken in a little over a week. I guess it happens, but I found myself thinking that this isn't going to work out.
After a long day in classes and at work and in the research lab, after haywire emotions ranging from anger at my parents to extreme elation from hanging out with my roommates, I got back to my room and received a message from George asking if I was alright. He saw me update my Twitter saying I was upset and was worried about me. We talked for a while and he kind of calmed me down. To try to cheer me up he started talking about our plans for when he comes to the U.S. this summer.
Today, George posted a YouTube video to end a short series he filmed while on vacation called The Beach House Chronicles. He talked about love and marriage. We were talking on skype as I watched the video and he was asking me what I thought. In all honesty, the video was beautiful. What he had to say was wonderful. The way he recorded the video was adorable and true to himself. It is probably my favorite video of his.
Since I started writing this I've been listening to him on the radio. Every other Wednesday evening (early morning for me) George hosts a radio show to his community in New Zealand. Anyone can listen to the show via the internet, and I've been listening since we met in November. I love listening to his show. He plays wonderful music. He's told me how he loves to do the showing knowing that I'm listening. Tonight he's been playing beautiful love songs.
I'm sorry if this blog seems so incredibly incoherent. Today has been one of those days that seems to go on forever and I am so emotionally and physically drained. Despite my being drained, I wanted to update today. This isn't what I wanted to update about though. I wanted to give you a bit of a look into my past so you could better understand where I'm coming from when I ramble like I did today. I'll have to get on that tomorrow or the next day.
I don't really know where I was going with all of this talk of feelings and stories. I should mention that about two months ago I started a story in which George is a main character. Yes, he got me to write as well.
I'll probably post pieces of these stories at some point in the future.
I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm sorry for the lack of actual content. I promise I'll fix that in the future.
Currently playing on my iPod: Up From Under - The Wallflowers
I've been hooked as of late. They really are phenomenal. I suggest you see for yourself.
30 March, 2011
29 March, 2011
take these broken wings and learn to fly
Hello new friend. You may be wondering how it is that I found you. So here is my abridged blog journey.
I had a blog account with Xanga. I've had this account for about a year now, however I don't really like the set-up of the site. Tonight, as I was trying to change the layout of the site to something simple and tasteful, the site crashed and I lost my patience. A friend of mine uses blogspot and seems to be very happy with it. So I figured, Why not?
A bit about me. I'm a twenty-one year old college student majoring in Psychology with a double minor in Cognitive Science and Neuroscience. I love to sing and play my guitar. I also love guys. I like to go on dates and I like to feel wanted, however I hate feeling smothered. I've been diagnosed with a sleep disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I'm a YouTube vlogger and I am active on two channels, my own private channel and a collaboration channel with four other women. If you would care to check out those channels, I would be delighted. However, I ask that you don't post any links or comments that would lead anyone to this blog.
Which leads me to mention that this blog is a secret blog. None of my friends know that I keep a blog, and I'd like to keep it that way. This is my place where I am free from the judgement of the people I know in real life. This is where I can post stories I've had a sudden inspiration for or rants about things in my life that I'm not quite happy about. Above all, this is my place to get my feelings out. I tend to not tell anyone everything. My friends each know some of the things that happen in my life and how I feel about it, but no one knows everything. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of someone I talk to daily knowing everything about my life. So I post here. I let things out and I hope to not be judged for it.
So I start by posing a question. What do you do when you find yourself in bed wishing you were next to someone else? Maybe you don't have someone else in particular in mind. Or maybe you would just rather be alone that night. Or maybe you do have someone in mind. But what do you do? I pretend I'm asleep. This may sound horrible, but like I said, I post here with the expectation that I wont be judged.
I have a friend named Ethan. He is currently doing an internship so he isn't living on campus this semester. He dated one of my best friends from high school last year. So far this semester, when he's come to visit he would crash in my room and I would share my bed with him. I like to cuddle. However Ethan likes to cuddle a little more, and a little differently.
Ethan is one of my best friends and I don't mind sharing my bed with someone whom I'm close with. When he stayed over, he kept trying to cuddle. But he didn't want to cuddle the way two friends cuddle. He wanted to cuddle the way a couple cuddles. I thought the best way to ignore his probes for closeness was to pretend I was already asleep.
I also did this towards the end of my last two relationships. My friend Dave says I have a gift. Whenever I date a guy I get him to fall so madly in love with me that he would instantly put a ring on my finger if given the opportunity. But I'm not ready for that. I don't want a relationship that's going to move that quickly. So to me, boys get incredibly clingy. When boys get clingy, I back away. And when we cuddle, I pretend that I'm sleeping so that I don't need to carres their arm or respond when they whisper into my ear.
I'm sure this is going to come off rather horrible. I'm not a horrible person. I'm not one of those girls who lures guys in and uses them and then dumps them. I just have some issues with closeness and trust in relationships due to having my heart and spirit broken by a man I loved. But that's a story for another time.
For now, let me continue my story by telling you about the two men who are active (or at least I wish for them to be active) in my life right now.
I have already mentioned that I am a YouTuber. Through YT I've met some wonderful people, one by the name of George. George is 17 and lives in New Zealand. We met back in November and as cliche as it sounds, we became best friends instantly. We talk on skype regularly, using both text and video chat. We watch shows and listen to music together. We talk about books and movies. Though we live over 9000 miles away, we've managed to find a way to be so close it feels like I could reach out and touch him. George will be visiting the United States this summer and will be spending a good amount of time with me. We are taking a trip to LA together in July and have so many adventures planned for when he's staying with me.
Then there is Paul. Paul is 21 years old and lives in a dorm that is about ten minutes from my own. We met about a month ago and went on a date about 2 weeks ago. We spent six hours talking, playing guitar, going for walks, and kissing. He's incredible in my opinion. The day after our date, he sent me a message basically saying that I can do better than someone like him. That he used to be a druggy and that I've got a good head on my shoulders and shouldn't settle for someone like him. That I "shouldn't fall for [him] because [he] would only let [me] down." We talked about this all in person a week ago today. I told him that I don't judge him for his past. I told him about my past (again, a story for another time) and we realized a whole other level that we connected on. He said that then as he was sitting next to me, he felt that he had jumped to a rash decision in sending me that message and felt that there was a possibility that something could work between the two of us. That he just needed things to go slowly for his own healing process. I need the same thing, as I am still healing from the relationship that has made me fear closeness and trust. So we decided that we were going to get to know each other, spend time with each other, and leave the possibility of dating a possibility.
These two boys are a lot of what I think about. That probably sounds incredibly pathetic, but it's the truth. They are the basis of a lot of my reflective and creative mind sets. I'll post the stories that I've started inspired by the two of them.There are so many more wonderful things about each of them that I just can't do justice in a blog post. You'll probably hear more about them with time.
With that I am going to head to bed. I'm going to try to post here regularly because I need the outlet and I always feel so much better when I'm writing down (or typing out) how I feel.
Currently playing on my iPod: The Wallflowers
They are amazing. Their music is beautiful. I've been finding myself in awe of them as I practically dance to class.
I had a blog account with Xanga. I've had this account for about a year now, however I don't really like the set-up of the site. Tonight, as I was trying to change the layout of the site to something simple and tasteful, the site crashed and I lost my patience. A friend of mine uses blogspot and seems to be very happy with it. So I figured, Why not?
A bit about me. I'm a twenty-one year old college student majoring in Psychology with a double minor in Cognitive Science and Neuroscience. I love to sing and play my guitar. I also love guys. I like to go on dates and I like to feel wanted, however I hate feeling smothered. I've been diagnosed with a sleep disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I'm a YouTube vlogger and I am active on two channels, my own private channel and a collaboration channel with four other women. If you would care to check out those channels, I would be delighted. However, I ask that you don't post any links or comments that would lead anyone to this blog.
Which leads me to mention that this blog is a secret blog. None of my friends know that I keep a blog, and I'd like to keep it that way. This is my place where I am free from the judgement of the people I know in real life. This is where I can post stories I've had a sudden inspiration for or rants about things in my life that I'm not quite happy about. Above all, this is my place to get my feelings out. I tend to not tell anyone everything. My friends each know some of the things that happen in my life and how I feel about it, but no one knows everything. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of someone I talk to daily knowing everything about my life. So I post here. I let things out and I hope to not be judged for it.
So I start by posing a question. What do you do when you find yourself in bed wishing you were next to someone else? Maybe you don't have someone else in particular in mind. Or maybe you would just rather be alone that night. Or maybe you do have someone in mind. But what do you do? I pretend I'm asleep. This may sound horrible, but like I said, I post here with the expectation that I wont be judged.
I have a friend named Ethan. He is currently doing an internship so he isn't living on campus this semester. He dated one of my best friends from high school last year. So far this semester, when he's come to visit he would crash in my room and I would share my bed with him. I like to cuddle. However Ethan likes to cuddle a little more, and a little differently.
Ethan is one of my best friends and I don't mind sharing my bed with someone whom I'm close with. When he stayed over, he kept trying to cuddle. But he didn't want to cuddle the way two friends cuddle. He wanted to cuddle the way a couple cuddles. I thought the best way to ignore his probes for closeness was to pretend I was already asleep.
I also did this towards the end of my last two relationships. My friend Dave says I have a gift. Whenever I date a guy I get him to fall so madly in love with me that he would instantly put a ring on my finger if given the opportunity. But I'm not ready for that. I don't want a relationship that's going to move that quickly. So to me, boys get incredibly clingy. When boys get clingy, I back away. And when we cuddle, I pretend that I'm sleeping so that I don't need to carres their arm or respond when they whisper into my ear.
I'm sure this is going to come off rather horrible. I'm not a horrible person. I'm not one of those girls who lures guys in and uses them and then dumps them. I just have some issues with closeness and trust in relationships due to having my heart and spirit broken by a man I loved. But that's a story for another time.
For now, let me continue my story by telling you about the two men who are active (or at least I wish for them to be active) in my life right now.
I have already mentioned that I am a YouTuber. Through YT I've met some wonderful people, one by the name of George. George is 17 and lives in New Zealand. We met back in November and as cliche as it sounds, we became best friends instantly. We talk on skype regularly, using both text and video chat. We watch shows and listen to music together. We talk about books and movies. Though we live over 9000 miles away, we've managed to find a way to be so close it feels like I could reach out and touch him. George will be visiting the United States this summer and will be spending a good amount of time with me. We are taking a trip to LA together in July and have so many adventures planned for when he's staying with me.
Then there is Paul. Paul is 21 years old and lives in a dorm that is about ten minutes from my own. We met about a month ago and went on a date about 2 weeks ago. We spent six hours talking, playing guitar, going for walks, and kissing. He's incredible in my opinion. The day after our date, he sent me a message basically saying that I can do better than someone like him. That he used to be a druggy and that I've got a good head on my shoulders and shouldn't settle for someone like him. That I "shouldn't fall for [him] because [he] would only let [me] down." We talked about this all in person a week ago today. I told him that I don't judge him for his past. I told him about my past (again, a story for another time) and we realized a whole other level that we connected on. He said that then as he was sitting next to me, he felt that he had jumped to a rash decision in sending me that message and felt that there was a possibility that something could work between the two of us. That he just needed things to go slowly for his own healing process. I need the same thing, as I am still healing from the relationship that has made me fear closeness and trust. So we decided that we were going to get to know each other, spend time with each other, and leave the possibility of dating a possibility.
These two boys are a lot of what I think about. That probably sounds incredibly pathetic, but it's the truth. They are the basis of a lot of my reflective and creative mind sets. I'll post the stories that I've started inspired by the two of them.There are so many more wonderful things about each of them that I just can't do justice in a blog post. You'll probably hear more about them with time.
With that I am going to head to bed. I'm going to try to post here regularly because I need the outlet and I always feel so much better when I'm writing down (or typing out) how I feel.
Currently playing on my iPod: The Wallflowers
They are amazing. Their music is beautiful. I've been finding myself in awe of them as I practically dance to class.
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