So this is what my life has amounted to: me falling asleep crying into my pillow night after night.
People who have never experienced depression don't understand it. They don't understand how much it consumes you. They don't understand how hard it is to get through the day. They don't know the feeling of pain with every step and breath that they take. They don't know how hard it is to constantly be fighting back tears. They don't know what it's like to explain to friends why you went from perfectly fine to sobbing your eyes out, or what it's like to make up an excuse. They don't understand how it is that every little thing feels like the beginning of the end of everything good.
And of course when you open up and try to explain it all to them, they can't make sense of it. Of course they can't make sense of it. It doesn't make sense. It's all wrong.
But to the person experiencing it, it feels like the truth. It feels real. That's because to the person experiencing it, it is real.
There's no way to make people understand depression.
And who would want to really?
If you love someone, would you want them to know what this darkness feels like? What it feels like to be completely helpless and lost?
Of course not.
It's a strange mixture of wanting people to understand, but hoping they never understand. It's a mixture of wanting to talk about it with them, but knowing that they don't quite get it. It's a mixture of hating people for not understanding what they're doing to you and loving them for attempting to talk to you. It's a mixture of hating people for saying all the wrong things, and loving them for listening and saying anything at all.
There's a line by Green Day that says, "Every time I'm falling down, you take the repercussions."
I don't want anyone to take the repercussions. I don't want to be falling down. I don't want to force someone to catch me. I'm sorry if I do that. I promise, I'm aware of it. I hate it. I don't mean to do it. I do it because things that people do may not be a big deal, but they feel like a big deal. Things that shouldn't hurt, do hurt. So it comes out as anger and frustration at you, when it's really anger and frustration with the situation and their own emotions. At least, that's how it is for me.
If anyone has ever done this to you, please understand that they don't mean to. Please don't blame them, or me, for it.
I would also like to point out that depression isn't taking the good things in life for granted. Depression doesn't make you feel like there's nothing good in your life. Depression makes you cling to the things that are good. It makes you terrified of losing them. When someone is depressed, the things that are good for them are more important than ever, because those are the things that can still provide positive thoughts.
I've been told in the past that I was stupid for being depressed because I was taking my life and the good things in it for granted. I've never taken my life for granted. I've never taken my family or friends or my significant other for granted. I've been afraid to lose them. I've been upset with them when they couldn't understand what depression can do to me and why their actions have a particular affect on me because of it. I've been terrified of letting them down and making myself unwanted in their eyes. But I have never, and will never, take them for granted.
Depression isn't something that people choose. I don't wake up in the morning and think, "I'm going to have a bad day today. I'm going to be depressed." I wake up in the morning afraid and alone and lost and helpless when I'm depressed. I wake up in the morning and think, "I just want to get through this day and feel better at the end of it."
Depression makes people hope for better days, even though they feel as if they'll never come.
It's just a matter of time and coping, two things that I am currently working on. Two things that require support from loved ones. Two things that don't come quickly or easily. Two things that I hope those closest to me can understand.
I promise that I am working on them. I know when I get like this and I know that I need to work to keep myself from getting as bad as I have in the past. I know that things will get better. I know that. That's why I am working on things. I know I have something to live for and that the world isn't over.
I'm working on these things because I want those better days that I know are waiting for me. I want my future. I want my plans.
In all honesty, I feel better after writing this. (Also after talking to someone whom I absolutely adore He definitely deserves a lot of credit for the fact that I am in a significantly better mood now than I was three hours ago.)
Sometimes writing is therapeutic (and consequently, incredibly draining).
With that, I'm off to bed. Sorry for the ridiculously-difficult-to-follow blog post.
Maybe someday I'll actually make good on my promise to (coherently) write in here more often.
I want to reiterate that this is all from my perspective. I know I speak generally by talking about "people who have experienced depression" and how these people "feel" and "think" in certain situations. I'm not talking about a population. I'm talking about from my experience.
Please understand that. I don't want to force my opinions and experiences on everyone and I do NOT want to belittle anyone else's opinions or experienced.
Currently playing on my iPod: The Script
They are awesome. You know it.
Also, the fact that I am in an incredibly long-distance relationship really drives some of their lyrics home. One in particular that has been playing in my head for over a week now: "If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be..."
I know, that's the song that everyone knows. But it's popular for a reason, let's be honest here.
