i look for signs of light

Hello friend.

So this is what my life has amounted to: me falling asleep crying into my pillow night after night.

People who have never experienced depression don't understand it. They don't understand how much it consumes you. They don't understand how hard it is to get through the day. They don't know the feeling of pain with every step and breath that they take. They don't know how hard it is to constantly be fighting back tears. They don't know what it's like to explain to friends why you went from perfectly fine to sobbing your eyes out, or what it's like to make up an excuse. They don't understand how it is that every little thing feels like the beginning of the end of everything good.

And of course when you open up and try to explain it all to them, they can't make sense of it. Of course they can't make sense of it. It doesn't make sense. It's all wrong.

But to the person experiencing it, it feels like the truth. It feels real. That's because to the person experiencing it, it is real.

There's no way to make people understand depression.

And who would want to really?

If you love someone, would you want them to know what this darkness feels like? What it feels like to be completely helpless and lost?

Of course not.

It's a strange mixture of wanting people to understand, but hoping they never understand. It's a mixture of wanting to talk about it with them, but knowing that they don't quite get it. It's a mixture of hating people for not understanding what they're doing to you and loving them for attempting to talk to you. It's a mixture of hating people for saying all the wrong things, and loving them for listening and saying anything at all.

There's a line by Green Day that says, "Every time I'm falling down, you take the repercussions."

I don't want anyone to take the repercussions. I don't want to be falling down. I don't want to force someone to catch me. I'm sorry if I do that. I promise, I'm aware of it. I hate it. I don't mean to do it. I do it because things that people do may not be a big deal, but they feel like a big deal. Things that shouldn't hurt, do hurt. So it comes out as anger and frustration at you, when it's really anger and frustration with the situation and their own emotions. At least, that's how it is for me.

If anyone has ever done this to you, please understand that they don't mean to. Please don't blame them, or me, for it.

I would also like to point out that depression isn't taking the good things in life for granted. Depression doesn't make you feel like there's nothing good in your life. Depression makes you cling to the things that are good. It makes you terrified of losing them. When someone is depressed, the things that are good for them are more important than ever, because those are the things that can still provide positive thoughts.

I've been told in the past that I was stupid for being depressed because I was taking my life and the good things in it for granted. I've never taken my life for granted. I've never taken my family or friends or my significant other for granted. I've been afraid to lose them. I've been upset with them when they couldn't understand what depression can do to me and why their actions have a particular affect on me because of it. I've been terrified of letting them down and making myself unwanted in their eyes. But I have never, and will never, take them for granted.

Depression isn't something that people choose. I don't wake up in the morning and think, "I'm going to have a bad day today. I'm going to be depressed." I wake up in the morning afraid and alone and lost and helpless when I'm depressed. I wake up in the morning and think, "I just want to get through this day and feel better at the end of it."

Depression makes people hope for better days, even though they feel as if they'll never come.

It's just a matter of time and coping, two things that I am currently working on. Two things that require support from loved ones. Two things that don't come quickly or easily. Two things that I hope those closest to me can understand.

I promise that I am working on them. I know when I get like this and I know that I need to work to keep myself from getting as bad as I have in the past. I know that things will get better. I know that. That's why I am working on things. I know I have something to live for and that the world isn't over.

I'm working on these things because I want those better days that I know are waiting for me. I want my future. I want my plans.

In all honesty, I feel better after writing this. (Also after talking to someone whom I absolutely adore He definitely deserves a lot of credit for the fact that I am in a significantly better mood now than I was three hours ago.)

Sometimes writing is therapeutic (and consequently, incredibly draining).

With that, I'm off to bed. Sorry for the ridiculously-difficult-to-follow blog post.

Maybe someday I'll actually make good on my promise to (coherently) write in here more often.

I want to reiterate that this is all from my perspective. I know I speak generally by talking about "people who have experienced depression" and how these people "feel" and "think" in certain situations. I'm not talking about a population. I'm talking about from my experience.

Please understand that. I don't want to force my opinions and experiences on everyone and I do NOT want to belittle anyone else's opinions or experienced.

Currently playing on my iPod: The Script

They are awesome. You know it.

Also, the fact that I am in an incredibly long-distance relationship really drives some of their lyrics home. One in particular that has been playing in my head for over a week now: "If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be..."

I know, that's the song that everyone knows. But it's popular for a reason, let's be honest here.

like a pill

Hello friend.

I'm currently in the car on the way to a restaurant with my parents. We're going to meet up with my aunt uncle and cousin for my aunt's birthday. I just took some oxycodone because I woke up in excruciating pain. I also took some ibuprofen since I'm swollen like a chipmunk stocking up for winter.
Is it incredibly vain of me for not wanting to go anywhere in public looking like this?

I'm not looking forward to sing high again today. I'm looking forward to not being pain, but at this point I can't imagine my mouth ever being normal again.
Okay that was overly dramatic. But really, it's a pain in the ass. I'm so sick of being in pain, of being high, of not being full, not being able to sing, not being able to focus, being swollen, etc. etc.
Sorry. I was complaining like this to my friend J-Pop last night. His name isn't actually J-Pop. It's James. I have never actually called him that. He was introduced to me as J-Pop so that is his name as far as I am concerned.
Anyhow, I was complaining to him last night. It was the only conversation I could stay focused on. I went all day yesterday trying to talk to people but I couldn't focus.
Yesterday was truly an awful day.

The oxycodone is starting to take effect now. I'm both thankful and resentful for it. I'm losing my ability to focus, therefore losing interest in this blog post. I'm also feeling a bit less sore, thank God!
Oh well. Sorry for another ridiculous post making pretty much no sense, I'm sure.

Currently playing on my iPod: Whatever my parents are playing in the car.
I don't really care at the moment. Music is more enjoyable when you can lose yourself in it, which I just can't do. I can't focus on a song enough to lose myself in it. I can't sing along. I can't properly appreciate it. It's such a shame. Just another thing I hate about being high.

i get high with a little help from my friends

Hello friend.

I've spent today high off my ass.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. It was my first surgery ever. I was terrified. I couldn't sleep the night before so I Skype-called George and fell asleep listening to him talk about Doctor Who with his sexy accent.

When I got to the office the next morning, they brought me straight into the room and started hooking me up to monitors. I started to freak out and cry. I asked my mom to come in with me because I was scared. She was laughing at me for crying. I yelled at her to either be supportive or leave. My mother has a history of making fun of me when I'm uncomfortable. Eventually the surgeon came in and sent her away. They gave me laughing gas to calm me down and then the anesthesia and I was gone. I woke up once during the procedure, to which they gave me more anesthesia. They next time I woke up they were taking the IV out of my arm.

I was very uncomfortable and in a decent amount of pain. Mom went to get a shot that she needed and left me in the car. I was miserable, and pissed. She brought me home and had to go back out to get my pain killers. It was unbearable.

Eventually I got some drugs to take the edge off the pain and my friend Rachel came over. She took care of me. She made me soup and brought me my medications and bought me a milkshake. We vegged all day. Did I mention she got her wisdom teeth out on Wednesday? No, I didn't. Well she did, and she was wonderful.

Today, however, sucked. Since I had some strong pain yesterday, the pain meds just took care of that. They didn't make me loopy or high or anything. Since today I just felt sore, they took care of the soreness and made me high. At first it was fun. I realized I was spacing and felt a bit light headed and thought it was pretty cool, seeing as I've never been high before.

But it got old. Quickly. I felt useless. Unable to focus on anything. I tried blogging tons of times earlier today and just couldn't focus my thoughts. I tried writing a song, watching television, watching youtube, anything. I couldn't even stay focused long enough to surf tumblr.

I felt so useless today. So incredibly useless. How the hell do stoners do it?! Why would anyone ever choose to fill their days with nothingness?

Is it awful that I can't even stay focused on this blog post any longer? I'm still a bit high. I took one more pill so I could fall asleep and not be in pain. I hate it. I'm a bit tired, but I know if I were to fall asleep it would just be the drugged up stupor I've been in all day where I can hear everything around me but just can't move my body. It sucks so much.

Sorry if this post is so incredibly incoherent and is laden with awful use of the English language. I can't really help it. I don't have the attention span to go back and read it right now. I'm sure I'll read it at some point tomorrow and think it's incredibly ridiculous. Whatever. I don't even care right now. I just wanted to finish this post, which I did even if it's shit.

Currently playing on my iPod: nothing...

Yeah. I've been that miserable today.

I dont do well being useless.

drop everything now

Hello friend.

Oh look! I'm alive!
The few times I was able to update this past semester I complained about being incredibly busy. For that reason, I will not complain about that now. You know I was busy. Point made.

Other news, I bought an iPhone. Before you go all "You're such a hypocrite!" on me, you should know that I bought it because my old phone was kind of falling apart and the screen was having spasms and the alarms weren't going off anymore. I needed a phone I could count on, and being the Apple fan that I am, I trust the iPhone. You should also know that I lost my phone yesterday and didn't notice until my friend Rachel and I were leaving the mall because I don't compulsively check my phone every thirty seconds. Luckily a nice woman and her husband found it and called my mom, who called rachel and told me to call them to get it back. It's nice knowing that there are still good people in the world.


I've established that I am too efficient and obsessive-compulsive for Sikorsky.
Yes, I'm back working at Sikorsky. I didn't mention that much during the summer because I was either working or hanging out with George. Also, I wasn't updating at all because at that point, this was still a private blog and I didn't want George to find it because I didn't want anyone I knew to find it and he easily would have been able to look over my shoulder and see it since we were kind of living in the same house for three months.
ANYWAYS...
I'm back at Sikorsky, which is both a good and a bad thing.
Working is good. It gets me money, which helps me pay for things, like food for both myself and Hedwig, and my phone plan, and my car insurance. You know, that stuff.
The bad thing about Sikorsky is that I'm kind of obsessive-compulsive when I'm working on a project. I like for things to look perfect and neat and whatnot. Understandable if you ask me. Especially in a professional atmosphere. Unfortunately, not everyone at Sikorsky agrees. For the past three days I've been working out of a 900 page document. It is incredibly sloppy and the page numbers in the table of contents are off and it's relentlessly given me headaches. I did the best I could to complete my project and get it to look as clean and professional as I could given what I had to work with. (Really though, you would expect that a group of engineers would be incredibly meticulous regarding the documentation of the workings of their helicopters.) Of course, I know of a way to get it even cleaner, but it would probably take me ages..
Which I might have time to do, since I am obviously too efficient for Sikorsky as well.
This week at Sikorsky is a week off. Most people aren't coming into the office. I, however, am a college student about to start paying for graduate school. I am working. My supervisors gave me work to do that they thought would keep me busy for the week. I've worked about 20 hours this week and I'm already almost done. I'm not quite sure what I'll do if I end up finishing my work with a day and a half to spare, which is what it looks like will happen. I guess I can go through and perfect my assignment. Make it look better than the document from which I'm extracting information.
Being incredibly efficient is kind of a drag. Should I just not work a full week and not get paid as much just because I can do the amount of work that would take some people 40 hours in 25? When I was working here this summer, it wasn't really a bad thing. I just got more assignments and got to work with more people. I guess it's only inconvenient when no one is here to give me other things to work on and if I want to work a full 40-hour-week I need to either slow down or take the extra time needed to perfect my work.
(I'm not at all trying to say that I'm better than anyone else at doing these tasks. I'm saying that the task that I was given for this week is big and long, and I just happened to figure out a way to work on it that was incredibly efficient for myself. I like getting things done and I like getting them done quickly so that my supervisors know that they can count on me. Sorry if you took any of that the wrong way.)


Now that the semester is over, I'm working on a lot of musical projects every day when I get home from work. Another should be popping up within the next couple days (fingers crossed). I did this one for Christmas. I hope you like it.

Right. I didn't talk about Christmas in here at all. Or about the Doctor Who Christmas Special. (Or should I say the WONDERFUL Doctor Who Christmas Special...) Or about how I've gotten my parents addicted to Doctor Who, especially my dad. Oh well. All topics for another time. You know, since I actually have time to update now.

Currently playing on my iPod: Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift.
If you follow my collab channel, allmadeofawesome, then you know that I adore Taylor Swift. This song never particularly stood out to me before about a week and a half ago when Kelsey told me that it reminded her of Anna and St. Clair from "Anna and the French Kiss" by Stephanie Perkins. I thought about it and listened to the song a few times keeping them in mind and it really is the perfect song for them.
Not to mention, this song and all of Taylor's other songs have incredibly relatable lyrics. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but it's always nice to be able to relate to someone.

and may your dreams be realized

Hello friend,

My exams are over. They've actually been over for 6 days now. I just can't catch a break and am still incredibly busy.

I survived the two weeks relatively unscathed. I got A's for both parts of my Italian exam as well as my Calculus exam, A-'s for my French Literature and Culture exam as well as my Chemistry exam. The only exam grades I am less-than-ecstatic about are my Lab Practical and Midterm for my Lab in Physiological Psychology. Bombed. It happens. The timing of the exam among all my others was the worst, plus it was also, by far, the hardest of the exams I took. Oh well. I now know what to expect in the future. Not too much harm done.

I wanted to write sooner, but I couldn't think of what to really write about. I'm sure no one in interested in how I did on my exams.

What I did do, which I think you may be interested in, as a bit of a reward was fit in a bit of leisure reading. I decided to read Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins. I've been wanting to read it for a very long time, so it's about time I do so.

This book is, as expected, incredible. It is romantic, funny, sad, beautiful. The writing in it is fantastic switching seamlessly from witty to descriptive. (Also know, I can only handle so much description. That happens to be the reason why I no longer read Dickens. A door knocker should not take two pages to describe.) Stephanie describes everything in the book perfectly. I want, more than almost anything, to go back to Paris and see it the way she describes it.

But this is not meant to be a book review. This is about my thoughts upon finishing the book.

Usually, when I read a book with a happy ending, I tend to be a tad more cynical than your average reader. I can't help but think, how long do the characters stay happy? How long do they stay together before another fight breaks out, or before something tragic happens? What are the chances that the largest portion of the drama in these character's lives happens to be within the time frame of page one and page x? It's not very likely.

But for the first time in a while, I close the book and set it down with a different frame of mind. It has nothing to do with the characters themselves. They are no more in love with each other than other characters in other books. They haven't gone through a more trying obstacle that declares that they must be together forever since they survived. They don't deserve it more than anyone else.

I leave this book with a different frame of mind because of a change in myself.

I've heard people say that this book has renewed their faith in love. This book didn't renew my faith in love. It just reflected my newly renewed faith in love.

I now believe, and this was so before picking up this book, that love can survive anything. That the drama in a character's story can end eventually. That at some point, people can live happily ever after.

That's a nice thought isn't it? That someday we all have the potential to fall in love and wake up happy every single morning. That someday we will smile at the thought of loving somebody, and at the thought of being loved. That's something worth believing in.

I have been very unable to sleep tonight.

I'm not sure if it's the DSPS, or the bit of tea I had at around 23:00, or possibly the billions of thoughts swimming in my head, or maybe it was the fate of me needing to finish this book that kept my eyes opened. Maybe it's the lack of someone next to me. It's hard to fall asleep in an empty bed when you feel so small and alone in it by yourself.

Either way, I am awake and I am happy. This book has made me smile more than a book has in a while, and in a very different way at that. Maybe it is the sheer fact that I am a romantic and a complete sucker for anything of the romantic genre. Maybe because I see the characters as people rather than just a figment of the imagination. Maybe because I believe, for once, that a couple in a book wont break up the minute I read the final page. I can't describe it. But I like it.

Sorry if this post has made very little sense. Please be aware that I am writing it having not slept in about 23 hours.

Currently playing on my iPod: Pocket Vinyl

I recently discovered this band at a Wrock show. They are not Wrock. But they are incredible. There's nothing sexier than a pianist. Add to it, piano rock, full instrumentation background, incredible lyrics, fantastic harmonies, and improvised artwork. Please look them up. Words I use to describe their music and their ability as performers will not do them justice. They are truly one of a kind, and worth recognition.

any day could be the last

Hi friend.

I know I just said that I will be updating this more often. That was a lie.

I will be taking a social network hiatus for the next 2 weeks. I have 7 exams, plus a paper due, plus tons of homework, all within the next 16 days. I've already rescheduled my GRE to a later date so that I don't need to take it amongst all of my other exams. (I'm a tad terrified about doing so, as now I will only be able to take it once, so I better make it count if I want to get into graduate school.)

My roommate will be changing my facebook password tomorrow so that I can't use it as a distraction. I will also not be uploading onto YouTube until the Friday of my last exam (October 21).

My time on other social networking sites will be limited as well (though I may post a twitter update occasionally just to let everyone know that I am still, in fact, alive). Unfortunately, as will my time on Skype and iChat.

I hope all my friends understand. My schoolwork really just needs to come first right now.

Tomorrow, I will be planning out pretty much every day down to the hour until October 21st at 5:30PM. Even then I'll have to resume studying for the GREs.

So everyone have a nice life for the next two weeks. I'll see you again when I emerge from the ashes.

Currently playing on my iPod: The World is Mine by Alex Day

I needed some chill music. I spent a lot of time crying today from stress. Something tells me that will be a recurring theme until these two weeks are over..

his hands are busy working overtime

Hello friend.

I'm so busy it's disgusting.

And of course I'm writing a blog.

Shush. I need to de-frag a bit before I start treading through the work that is currently drowning me.

Usually this work-load wouldn't really get to me. However, there are two things that are currently eating away at me that I normally don't need to deal with.

1. My writing intensive class

2. GREs

My writing intensive class is very writing intensive. I was expecting that to be the case. That's not what's worrying me. What worries me is what the teacher tells me (and the whole class for that matter) about my (our) writing skills. Every paper that I hand in comes back with so many markings on it, it's a bit ridiculous.

I understand that the writing skills of my generation are severely lacking. I remember in high school, our teachers tried to teach us basic grammar. They always said they would and they never did a full unit on it. We're paying for it now.

My professor says that my main issues are in organizing my paper in the most persuasive and flow-inducing way. I've always known I had an issue with that, but I never thought it was as intense as she has kind of made it out to be.

It just scares me. I'm supposed to be applying to get into graduate programs right now. I am, now more than ever, terrified that I can't get in. That I don't have adequate enough writing skills to get into my program. It's a terrifying thought. And this course is just so intimidating. I know in the end it will be worth it and I will be in a much better place with my writing. It's just such a difficult process to get there.

GREs are a little terrifying as well. I know that graduate schools look at more than just GRE test scores like GPA and letters of recommendation and interviews and all that jazz. But I don't want to rely on that and hope that they'll overlook low GRE scores. I need to do well on them. I don't want to give schools any reason to not accept me.

It's just kind of a big deal, and I'm kind of terrified.

Graduation is also really terrifying. As is the real world.

But I'm not going to talk about that today. I have enough on my plate and don't have the time to get into those giant fears of mine at the moment.

Currently playing on my iPod: Jet Lag by Simple Plan featuring Natasha Bedingfield

I've been listening to a lot of Simple Plan again lately. The thing that I like about them is that their new stuff is still really fantastic. It's refreshing to find a band that will stay true to themselves and their music identity.

an alignment to cry

Hello friend.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

You know that feeling when you just need something? Well, you don't actually need something. I mean, you're not going to die without it. It's not like your body is slowly dying and you need medicine. It's not like you are physically debilitated in any way.

But emotionally... that's another story.

You just feel so torn up without it. It's this pain and agony that eat away at you. A longing that you just cannot control. A craving that you cannot satiate.

That's almost worse though, isn't it? Something that puts you into so much pain but will never actually kill you.

I'm sure I'll be alright. I just sometimes get overwhelmingly sad still. I think I always will have that possibility. I don't think there's a way to escape it sometimes.

Last night was an outlier. It was bad. I let dark thoughts take over. Dark untrue thoughts. I hate that I did that. I really am sure that this will all be alright. I know that my sadness is only temporary. I know how this story is going to end, and I love it. I look forward to it. I dream about it and smile at the thought. It's just a matter of getting there.

Currently playing on my iPod: Mumford & Sons

Love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free.

no you wont be mine

Hello friend.

A somewhat large amount of cleaning needs to be done in my room. Not really a large amount, just large in relation to how I tend to keep this room. However, I have been feeling quite ill since Friday and I thought that my time and strength would best be spent in bed composing a blog post.

A friend of mine asked me today to tell her about Nerdfighteria. I've been telling her about how wonderful this community is for months. It really is a perfect fit for her as she adores Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, science fiction, and video games. I must have sent her about twenty links to youtube channels and videos in response to her recent request.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

I despise the stereotype that boys and girls can't be just friends. It drives me crazy. Probably because it is true to some extent.

I like friends very much. I like to meet new people and I like to be friendly. I've been told that I am a bit of a flirt, though I honestly don't do so intentionally. (Most of my friends that know me probably wont agree with that last statement, but it is true.) I really just am incredibly friendly and my friendliness is often what is misinterpreted as flirtatiousness. Now I have some male friends with whom that is perfectly fine. Unfortunately that isn't quite the case all the time.

I recently made a new friend. We work together and live in the same apartment complex so we tend to walk to work and home together. No one likes to walk in silence, so we talk while we journey across campus. This all turned out to be good and fine until one night he asked for my phone number. He said it was so we could communicate to walk to work together when our shifts start at the same time. Once I gave it to him and we parted to our apartments, he texted me asking if I wanted to do homework with him the following day. We don't have any classes together, but I've just sat and done homework with friends in the past so I said yes. He came over and we hung out and did homework. My roommates were in and out. When he left, they kept saying how he liked me. I chose to ignore this, partly because I'm not interested in him in that way, and partially because I didn't want to think that we couldn't just be friends and that there had to be some other level to the relationship.

The following Friday I was asked out to a movie by him. When I declined by saying that I had plans with my roommates, he asked if I wanted to go iceskating on Sunday before work, which I also declined due to my large amount of homework.

I think it's safe to say that I can no longer ignore the fact that this kid wants to date me...

But what am I supposed to do? How do you tell someone that you're not interested? How do you tell someone that they are an awesome person and you enjoy hanging out with them, but you don't wish to pursue anything further? How do you make an effort to be friends with someone without every effort you make being read as a hint or advance?

That is what I need to figure out, because I kind of need to let him know that he shouldn't be chasing me.

I have established that I am more than happy with my current emotional state. I feel comfortable, accepted, happy, confident, and productive. I don't need a relationship with this boy to better my current state of being. I don't want one.

Part of this conclusion was reached by a recent discovery of mine. I've realized that I'm most likely not going to find my husband at this university. I'm only here for eight more months before I'm thrown into the real world. I don't know where I'll be living, if I'll be enrolled in a graduate program, or if I'll be working full-time. I have some big decisions in the coming months of my life. I don't need someone in my life who may try to influence some of those choices in any particular direction for any reason other than my best interest.

(I'm very against my life being run by other people. Especially those with whom I am in a relationship. This is entirely due to having once been ruled over by a significant other. I didn't like myself then. I refuse to be like that again.)

Long story short: How can I kindly tell a friend that I view him as only a friend? And how can I continue being friendly without him reading more into my actions?

Actually, let's generalize that last one. How can I be friendly and engaging and meet new people without anyone reading into my actions? Or is it that impossible to shake the stereotype that boys and girls can't be just friends?

And with that, I'm off to fight this cold in my sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I can stop feeling not-some. I'm sick of being sick!

Currently playing on my iPod: The World Is Mine - Alex Day

When I say this I mean the whole album, not just that particular song.

I adore Alex's musical style and his voice. They are incredible and they go hand in hand. However the things about Alex's music that get me the most are his lyrics. They are just so good! They are relevant to life (at least to mine they are to an accuracy that is worthy of goosebumps) and they flow with the music so well. His lyrics are pure poetry simply put to music. Music is the most meaningful when all of the parts stand on their own. Alex's music is beautiful and his lyrics are profound. When they come together, they make an album that both disappoints and excites you when it's over. Disappoints because it's over. Excites because you get to listen to it again.

i find myself seeing you again

Hello friend.

Remember when I started this blog I said that it was private?

Yeah, I think I'm done with that.

Don't get me wrong. I love having a private blog where I don't need to worry about what I say, but in all honesty, I do worry. I worry that a friend will find it and tell everyone else it's out there. I'd rather just be open about everything so I don't need to be worried about being "found out."

I've also realized that I haven't felt very motivated to post. I want to be able to really share this blog and I guess I was hesitant to post before because I knew that I couldn't really get my word out to the people around me for fear that it would eventually get out to the people who are regularly in my life. Not like I said anything bad about the people who are in my life on here, because I don't. Nor do I intend to. I just like the idea of being more open.

So I'm going public. And now instead of asking complete strangers not to judge me, I'm asking my friends not to judge me.

So here's a quick update on what's been happening in my life since April when I last wrote in here.

George was here in the states! It was incredible! I can't even begin to tell you all the wonderful stories we have accumulated. We went to Agloe, Wizard Rock shows, the Con Tour, VidCon, Six Flags, New York City and so much more. We spent this summer showing the people around us that two people can become best friends even from opposite sides of the world.

He's back in New Zealand now, which is still a little bit difficult for me to handle. When you're used to seeing and talking to someone everyday for about three months, not having them next to you feels wrong.

I'm currently at school and swamped as ever. I'd rather not talk about that seeing as I spent all day doing homework (except for the hour that was spent watching the lastest Doctor Who episode).

This summer has been a very inspiring segment of my life. I want to vlog more, write more, play my guitar more. I've started writing some songs and I've been working on tons of covers that I am ridiculously excited about sharing. I've got some new inspiration for writing some stories that I started in the past and never got around to finishing. I want to make vlogging more regular. After seeing how passionately people talked about it at VidCon and realizing how I really can meet some of the most incredible people in the world through it, it's something that I know I want to pursue and continue and just have fun doing.

Hopefully this all turns out alright. Since I am really busy with school and graduate school applications, a lot of my creativity will have to be moderated for a bit. I think I can handle that though. So bear with me, please.

And welcome to my new public blog. I'm excited to post in here again. Really. I know I've said that in the past but now that I feel more open I think I really will keep the motivation going.

Currently playing on my iPod: Taylor Swift - Speak Now

From reading any of my past entries, you should know that I am a hopeless romantic. This song is pretty much a romantic daydream. The best part... It comes true. Not to mention, the song is incredible and I absolutely love to blast this song while driving with my windows down.