Hello friend!
My personal blog, along with my other two blogs, has been relocated to WordPress! I'm very happy with the change and I hope that you will be too!
My WordPress page can be found here.
If you're interested specifically in my personal blog posts, those and only those will appear here.
I have so many posts and ideas in the works and I'm really excited to be sharing things that are more personal, more controversial, and more thought-provoking than I have in the past.
Thanks for all of the support and I look forward to seeing you at my new home in the vast workings of the internet!
18 August, 2014
09 July, 2014
tell me that you'll open your eyes
Hello friend.
I want to alleviate these ridiculous concerns of yours that everyone who is religious is crazy. As a Christian, I am insulted by such notions, however I see them advertised fairly regularly.
Religious people don't want women to have access to birth control. Religious people believe that abortion is a sin. Religious people don't want equality for members of the LGBTQ community. Religious people always feel the need to force their religious beliefs on those around them.
Bullshit.
Granted, there is evidence that some religious people think these things. Just take a look at the Westboro Baptist Church. They've really made a bad name for people who identify as followers of Christ.
One thing that needs to be understood is that the Westboro Baptist Church and the people who think similarly are a minority within the Christian community.
(I like to think that the same can be said for all religious communities, but I don't know for sure as I am not part of any other religious communities.)
The Christian religion is evolving. Young people who grew up with church and religion are taking a stand. And people are listening! It's a slow transformation, but it's happening. Evolution takes time.
Christian picketers of all ages peacefully stood against the Westboro Baptist Church at their appearance at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. A strong, intelligent, feminist, Christian woman who I am honored to call my friend was one of them. Her name is Lizzie, and you can read about her positive experience here.
This graduation season, Immaculate Heart High School, a Catholic all-girls institution located in Los Angeles, allowed a transgender student to graduate and walk under his preferred name and gender identity!
Furthermore, a lesbian transgender woman was asked to give the commencement speech at the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C.! Read more here. (And do yourself a favor by staying away from the comments. They are the voices of the minority.)
A very good friend of mine who is studying to become an ordained minister within the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America recently removed all mention of gender from his wedding ceremony. Furthermore, he and his partner have decided to use both of their last names in their life together. His name is Brett and you can read some of his open-minded, kind and inspirational thoughts here.
Change is happening. I know that it is difficult to see sometimes, but it is there. Do not let the minority who are screaming at the top of their lungs fog your vision. Do not let the minority convince you that they are the majority! Do not let them put ideas into your head that this is a case of Basic Human Rights v. Religion!
The fight is not against religion. The fight is against ignorance and the desire to stay ignorant!
Progress is happening within the Christian community, and this progress is the reason why the minority is screaming. The more progress we make on all levels, the more the minority will insist on saying otherwise, and the louder they will say it. The more they see people straying away from the dated values that they grew up with, the more they will try to force their religion down your throat. There will always be people screaming to be heard in a last-ditch attempt to save their morals from extinction, but someday we wont be listening anymore.
Someday we will recognize those screams for what they are: a plea from the minority asking for someone to join in their ignorance.
Not a whole religion looking to condemn a whole community.
That is never what it was, that is not what it is, and that is never what it will be.
I want to alleviate these ridiculous concerns of yours that everyone who is religious is crazy. As a Christian, I am insulted by such notions, however I see them advertised fairly regularly.
Religious people don't want women to have access to birth control. Religious people believe that abortion is a sin. Religious people don't want equality for members of the LGBTQ community. Religious people always feel the need to force their religious beliefs on those around them.
Bullshit.
Granted, there is evidence that some religious people think these things. Just take a look at the Westboro Baptist Church. They've really made a bad name for people who identify as followers of Christ.
One thing that needs to be understood is that the Westboro Baptist Church and the people who think similarly are a minority within the Christian community.
(I like to think that the same can be said for all religious communities, but I don't know for sure as I am not part of any other religious communities.)
The Christian religion is evolving. Young people who grew up with church and religion are taking a stand. And people are listening! It's a slow transformation, but it's happening. Evolution takes time.
Christian picketers of all ages peacefully stood against the Westboro Baptist Church at their appearance at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. A strong, intelligent, feminist, Christian woman who I am honored to call my friend was one of them. Her name is Lizzie, and you can read about her positive experience here.
This graduation season, Immaculate Heart High School, a Catholic all-girls institution located in Los Angeles, allowed a transgender student to graduate and walk under his preferred name and gender identity!
Furthermore, a lesbian transgender woman was asked to give the commencement speech at the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C.! Read more here. (And do yourself a favor by staying away from the comments. They are the voices of the minority.)
A very good friend of mine who is studying to become an ordained minister within the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America recently removed all mention of gender from his wedding ceremony. Furthermore, he and his partner have decided to use both of their last names in their life together. His name is Brett and you can read some of his open-minded, kind and inspirational thoughts here.
Change is happening. I know that it is difficult to see sometimes, but it is there. Do not let the minority who are screaming at the top of their lungs fog your vision. Do not let the minority convince you that they are the majority! Do not let them put ideas into your head that this is a case of Basic Human Rights v. Religion!
The fight is not against religion. The fight is against ignorance and the desire to stay ignorant!
Progress is happening within the Christian community, and this progress is the reason why the minority is screaming. The more progress we make on all levels, the more the minority will insist on saying otherwise, and the louder they will say it. The more they see people straying away from the dated values that they grew up with, the more they will try to force their religion down your throat. There will always be people screaming to be heard in a last-ditch attempt to save their morals from extinction, but someday we wont be listening anymore.
Someday we will recognize those screams for what they are: a plea from the minority asking for someone to join in their ignorance.
Not a whole religion looking to condemn a whole community.
That is never what it was, that is not what it is, and that is never what it will be.
03 July, 2014
just pull the trigger
Hello friend.
When I was writing two days ago I thought about including some trigger warnings at the beginning of the post. When I actually started to think about what potential trigger warnings to be, I realized just how much society tries to convince women that their bodies are wrong, insulting, provoking, etc. and I started to feel both angry and disgusted, mostly because even I had fallen victim to it. Even I was convinced that my talking about the natural processes that my body goes through could be considered offensive to some.
Seriously, what could I have put down as trigger warnings?
I didn't even mention the words "blood" or "vagina" simply because I didn't need to. They would not have added anything to my post that is not already there. But if I had, would those have needed to become trigger warnings? What kind of world do we live in where someone needs to be warned of the usage of the word "vagina?" Furthermore, what kind of world do we live in where someone would choose to not read something because the word "vagina" is present?
Look at some of the male equivalents to the potential trigger warnings above.
These words are seen so much more regularly in every form of media than the previous list. They're so common that they would never be considered trigger words for a second.
The female equivalents need to be just as common. They need to elicit the same baseline response. Until that is the case, women will continually feel like they are in the wrong just for being women. Women will continually feel like their bodies are naturally offensive to others. Women will continually feel like they need to apologize for being women.
I am so glad that I didn't include trigger warnings on my previous post, because that would only be feeding the culture that I think we need to abolish.
And if, by chance, you were offended by my lack of trigger words, I challenge you to have a long think about what trigger words you would have liked to see, and why. Don't just say "Because it's gross" or "Because I don't need to read that." And if you say something like "Because I know nothing about that topic," then maybe it's time for you to educate yourself on half of the human population.
When I was writing two days ago I thought about including some trigger warnings at the beginning of the post. When I actually started to think about what potential trigger warnings to be, I realized just how much society tries to convince women that their bodies are wrong, insulting, provoking, etc. and I started to feel both angry and disgusted, mostly because even I had fallen victim to it. Even I was convinced that my talking about the natural processes that my body goes through could be considered offensive to some.
Seriously, what could I have put down as trigger warnings?
- Female reproduction system
- Female biology
- Period
- Menstrual cramps
- Flow
- Birth Control
- Pregnancy
I didn't even mention the words "blood" or "vagina" simply because I didn't need to. They would not have added anything to my post that is not already there. But if I had, would those have needed to become trigger warnings? What kind of world do we live in where someone needs to be warned of the usage of the word "vagina?" Furthermore, what kind of world do we live in where someone would choose to not read something because the word "vagina" is present?
Look at some of the male equivalents to the potential trigger warnings above.
- Penis
- Erection
- Ejaculation
- Semen
- Condom
These words are seen so much more regularly in every form of media than the previous list. They're so common that they would never be considered trigger words for a second.
The female equivalents need to be just as common. They need to elicit the same baseline response. Until that is the case, women will continually feel like they are in the wrong just for being women. Women will continually feel like their bodies are naturally offensive to others. Women will continually feel like they need to apologize for being women.
I am so glad that I didn't include trigger warnings on my previous post, because that would only be feeding the culture that I think we need to abolish.
And if, by chance, you were offended by my lack of trigger words, I challenge you to have a long think about what trigger words you would have liked to see, and why. Don't just say "Because it's gross" or "Because I don't need to read that." And if you say something like "Because I know nothing about that topic," then maybe it's time for you to educate yourself on half of the human population.
01 July, 2014
instead of makin' me better
Hello friend.
Let me tell you a story.
When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I got my period for the first time. It was pretty shitty. I mean, at that age you haven't really been told anything about your body growing up and maturing and "becoming a woman." In fact, that was two years before my school taught us anything about sexual education and development.
What most women know is that when you first get your period, it's kind of irregular and strange. It's not the typical 'about a week long' once a month. Sometimes you get it once and then you don't get it again for a few months, or even a year.
By the time I was 11, I would have my period for about 2.5-3 weeks of the month. It was torture. My mom took me to see her gynecologist (a male.. which absolutely terrified me at that young age) and was put on birth control for regulation. Surprise surprise, it worked! Yay!
The main thing that I want you to have taken from the story at this point is that as an 11-year-old, I was not taking birth control for controlling birth. I think that goes without saying, but in this day and age you need to spell out the simplest things if you're trying to make a point. I was taking birth control purely for regulation purposes. I was not a sexually active 11-year-old.
Let's continue this story, shall we?
I continued to take birth control until just before I turned 17 when it made me really sick. (I had skipped a few pills while I was traveling in Ireland and took them all to catch up, which left me sick and in bed for an entire day. I ended up missing the Cliffs of Moher, a heartache of mine to this day. I also ended up missing a chamber choir performance which caused heaps of drama regarding who was going to cover my solo.)
For the next five years I agonized over cramps that would leave me unable to think, let alone get out of bed, for days. I had an extremely heavy flow which made me feel unclean, uncomfortable and unhappy. I was also incredibly emotional while on my period. I would cry for no reason, laugh for no reason and, quite frankly, become a massive bitch for no reason. I had little to no control over my emotions, and my emotions were always at the extreme end of the spectrum. Luckily at this point, my period was regular enough that this was happening for about a week each month instead of the 2.5-3 weeks each month that I was experiencing before I started taking birth control in the first place. I was told that I could go back on birth control to help with the flow and the cramps and the emotions, but since becoming so sick that one time, just the thought of taking a birth control pill legitimately made me feel ill.
During this time, traveling was miserable, school was miserable (especially exams and forcing myself to focus enough to study), work was miserable, walking around campus was miserable, sitting in a car for extended periods of time was miserable. Pretty much everything was miserable when the cramps hit. I forced myself through with pain killers taken every 4 hours on the dot. (To be honest, I probably over-medicated a bit just to be sure that the effect never wore off. I would be numb from painkillers for about a week straight every month. Think first about what I was probably doing to my stomach lining. Then think about how expensive that can get and how quickly.)
At the age of 22 I got really sick of turning into House once a month. I decided to force myself back on the pill.
Now let me quickly paint a picture for you regarding where I was in my life at that point. I had a serious boyfriend of about a year. We were doing long distance (USA to NZ), so no sex. The purpose of birth control, again, was not to control birth. Birth control was legitimately going to improve my life. It was going to allow me to function like a normal human being. It was going to allow me to not check the clock numerous times each day to make sure I take my next pain killer in time. It was going to allow me to not worry about having such a heavy flow that I need to change my pad/tampon every other hour. (Yes, it got that bad.)
It took a few weeks before I was able to take the pill each night without feeling the urge to gag, but it was all worth it the first time I got my period while back on the pill. It was 4 days long, it was light, and I only had minor cramps the first day. It was a fucking miracle!
To this day, I get the occasional cramps at the beginning of my period each month, and like many long-time birth control users I spot every now and then. And I still get slightly emotional, but it can be remedied pretty easily with some chocolate and cuddles. Small price to pay if you ask me.
I can't imagine functioning without this magical little pill that I take every night before bed. I can't knowingly put myself in that kind of pain again. I can't knowingly force the people around me to deal with my heightened (and honestly, ridiculous) emotions every month. I can't do it now that I know how much better it can be. I can't go back to that life.
End story.
Now here's the thing. There are some fabulous reasons to take the pill other than contraception.
Please try telling any woman who suffers from any of these that she should be denied access to birth control pills. Well, a lot of people actually do that, so let me rephrase: Please try telling any woman who suffers from any of these that she should be denied access to birth control pills without sounding uneducated, inexperienced and close-minded.
Many women around the world rely on birth control pills to function, myself included.
Some women rely on birth control pills to have the option of someday becoming pregnant! Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Now if these women are also using the pill to control birth means absolutely nothing! Regardless of if these woman rely on the pill for contraception, they are receiving so many other benefits that are unparalleled! Why does one tiny little benefit (which the pill happens to be named after, which is why people forget that it can do so much more) have to negate all of the wonderful things that oral birth control pills are doing for women around the world?
(Would people still freak out if we called it the Bloat Control Pill? How about the Cramp Control Pill? Bitch Control Pill?)
And you know what? Is it your business what anyone other than you does to their own body? NO! (With the exception of notifying the necessary contacts if someone is hurting themself, planning on hurting themself or being hurt.) So even if a woman is taking birth control for the sole purpose of contraception, that is not your concern! You have no right to say anything to her, to judge her, or to try and tell her that she shouldn't have the right to do what she does to her own body.
Would you stigmatize a person for taking cough medicine because they have a cough? How about a person for taking blood thinners because they've had a stroke? Or maybe a person for taking allergy pills because they have allergies?
How about a man for using condoms?
Let me tell you a story.
When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I got my period for the first time. It was pretty shitty. I mean, at that age you haven't really been told anything about your body growing up and maturing and "becoming a woman." In fact, that was two years before my school taught us anything about sexual education and development.
What most women know is that when you first get your period, it's kind of irregular and strange. It's not the typical 'about a week long' once a month. Sometimes you get it once and then you don't get it again for a few months, or even a year.
By the time I was 11, I would have my period for about 2.5-3 weeks of the month. It was torture. My mom took me to see her gynecologist (a male.. which absolutely terrified me at that young age) and was put on birth control for regulation. Surprise surprise, it worked! Yay!
The main thing that I want you to have taken from the story at this point is that as an 11-year-old, I was not taking birth control for controlling birth. I think that goes without saying, but in this day and age you need to spell out the simplest things if you're trying to make a point. I was taking birth control purely for regulation purposes. I was not a sexually active 11-year-old.
Let's continue this story, shall we?
I continued to take birth control until just before I turned 17 when it made me really sick. (I had skipped a few pills while I was traveling in Ireland and took them all to catch up, which left me sick and in bed for an entire day. I ended up missing the Cliffs of Moher, a heartache of mine to this day. I also ended up missing a chamber choir performance which caused heaps of drama regarding who was going to cover my solo.)
For the next five years I agonized over cramps that would leave me unable to think, let alone get out of bed, for days. I had an extremely heavy flow which made me feel unclean, uncomfortable and unhappy. I was also incredibly emotional while on my period. I would cry for no reason, laugh for no reason and, quite frankly, become a massive bitch for no reason. I had little to no control over my emotions, and my emotions were always at the extreme end of the spectrum. Luckily at this point, my period was regular enough that this was happening for about a week each month instead of the 2.5-3 weeks each month that I was experiencing before I started taking birth control in the first place. I was told that I could go back on birth control to help with the flow and the cramps and the emotions, but since becoming so sick that one time, just the thought of taking a birth control pill legitimately made me feel ill.
During this time, traveling was miserable, school was miserable (especially exams and forcing myself to focus enough to study), work was miserable, walking around campus was miserable, sitting in a car for extended periods of time was miserable. Pretty much everything was miserable when the cramps hit. I forced myself through with pain killers taken every 4 hours on the dot. (To be honest, I probably over-medicated a bit just to be sure that the effect never wore off. I would be numb from painkillers for about a week straight every month. Think first about what I was probably doing to my stomach lining. Then think about how expensive that can get and how quickly.)
At the age of 22 I got really sick of turning into House once a month. I decided to force myself back on the pill.
Now let me quickly paint a picture for you regarding where I was in my life at that point. I had a serious boyfriend of about a year. We were doing long distance (USA to NZ), so no sex. The purpose of birth control, again, was not to control birth. Birth control was legitimately going to improve my life. It was going to allow me to function like a normal human being. It was going to allow me to not check the clock numerous times each day to make sure I take my next pain killer in time. It was going to allow me to not worry about having such a heavy flow that I need to change my pad/tampon every other hour. (Yes, it got that bad.)
It took a few weeks before I was able to take the pill each night without feeling the urge to gag, but it was all worth it the first time I got my period while back on the pill. It was 4 days long, it was light, and I only had minor cramps the first day. It was a fucking miracle!
To this day, I get the occasional cramps at the beginning of my period each month, and like many long-time birth control users I spot every now and then. And I still get slightly emotional, but it can be remedied pretty easily with some chocolate and cuddles. Small price to pay if you ask me.
I can't imagine functioning without this magical little pill that I take every night before bed. I can't knowingly put myself in that kind of pain again. I can't knowingly force the people around me to deal with my heightened (and honestly, ridiculous) emotions every month. I can't do it now that I know how much better it can be. I can't go back to that life.
End story.
Now here's the thing. There are some fabulous reasons to take the pill other than contraception.
- Regulation of period. Probably most common for younger women whose bodies are still getting used to being a woman.
- Clearing up acne. Another common use for women in their teens and early 20's.
- Decrease menstrual cramps. Not every woman gets cramps, but the ones who do understand how big of a life-changer this can be.
- Lighter flow. Again, not every woman has a heavy flow, but the ones who do understand how draining it is to always be worrying if they've started leaking.
- Decreased PMS symptoms. This reaches far beyond the stereotype of a woman who gets bitchy and impossible to please. Some women have very sore breasts during their period. Some women bloat and take on a lot of water weight. Some women cry. And, yes, some women get bitchy. (Which honestly could be related to cramps as well. You try being nice and cheery when your insides are contorting themselves.)
- Relief from Endometriosis. As if having your period isn't bad enough, some women's bodies actually allow uterine lining cells to grow outside of the uterus. This can be extremely painful, can effect the enjoyment of sex, can result in painful urination, and can even render a woman infertile!
Please try telling any woman who suffers from any of these that she should be denied access to birth control pills. Well, a lot of people actually do that, so let me rephrase: Please try telling any woman who suffers from any of these that she should be denied access to birth control pills without sounding uneducated, inexperienced and close-minded.
Many women around the world rely on birth control pills to function, myself included.
Some women rely on birth control pills to have the option of someday becoming pregnant! Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Now if these women are also using the pill to control birth means absolutely nothing! Regardless of if these woman rely on the pill for contraception, they are receiving so many other benefits that are unparalleled! Why does one tiny little benefit (which the pill happens to be named after, which is why people forget that it can do so much more) have to negate all of the wonderful things that oral birth control pills are doing for women around the world?
(Would people still freak out if we called it the Bloat Control Pill? How about the Cramp Control Pill? Bitch Control Pill?)
And you know what? Is it your business what anyone other than you does to their own body? NO! (With the exception of notifying the necessary contacts if someone is hurting themself, planning on hurting themself or being hurt.) So even if a woman is taking birth control for the sole purpose of contraception, that is not your concern! You have no right to say anything to her, to judge her, or to try and tell her that she shouldn't have the right to do what she does to her own body.
Would you stigmatize a person for taking cough medicine because they have a cough? How about a person for taking blood thinners because they've had a stroke? Or maybe a person for taking allergy pills because they have allergies?
How about a man for using condoms?
27 June, 2014
welcome to youtube
Hello friend.
I've noticed a change in myself. I've tried to deny this change for a while, and I kind of pushed this change aside as if it wasn't true. But it is and it's time for me to accept it.
I'm just not as enamored by YouTube as I used to be. There, I said it.
I tried to be. I really did. I stuck through VEDA and was quite proud of some of the videos that I created. It just felt like a bit of a chore. When it came time to continue afterwards, there were so many other things I would have rather been doing.
I'm very happy with the things that I've been able to experience that wouldn't have been possible without YouTube and I'm very happy with the friendships that I've made and the people that I've gotten to spend time with because of my involvement with the site. I just don't enjoy the act of filming, editing, and uploading anymore. I find that the points that I want to get across aren't as strong as they would be if I could just sit and write and edit. I prefer words, and despite what you may think, I believe that YouTube compromises words. A message isn't entirely about the words, it's about the delivery and the framing and the editing and the outfit you're wearing. I don't want my messages to be watered down. I don't want the importance of what I am saying to be overshadowed by the fact that I'm not wearing makeup (because I never wear makeup). There have been so many things that I wanted to create videos about but I haven't because it wouldn't be strong enough. It wouldn't seem important enough. Some people can do that, and good for them. But it's not for me. I want them to be more true to myself and how I want to express myself. I want to use my time more carefully. I'd rather be constructing thought provoking pieces than rambling in front of a camera just for the message to get lost in translation.
I believe that the pen is mightier than the sword, and on YouTube I have neither.
I'm not saying that I'm completely done with YouTube. I don't think that I ever could be. It's been a very large part of my life for a decent amount of time now. I do think that it is a great medium for the people who really enjoy putting that kind of content out there. It is definitely a good medium for music sharing, and as I continue writing and composing music, YouTube will be a great outlet for such projects.
YouTube just can't be a priority for me any more. I'd rather focus on writing, which I love, and reading, to become a better writer. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this. I sure am glad that I did, though.
Currently playing on my iPod: How Long Will I Love You - Jon Boden, Sam Sweeney and Ben Coleman
This song is featured in the film About Time, which is one of my all-time favorite films. The song is beautiful, catchy and has fabulous movement and emotion, especially this version of it. I can't imagine anyone being disappointed after giving it a listen.
I've noticed a change in myself. I've tried to deny this change for a while, and I kind of pushed this change aside as if it wasn't true. But it is and it's time for me to accept it.
I'm just not as enamored by YouTube as I used to be. There, I said it.
I tried to be. I really did. I stuck through VEDA and was quite proud of some of the videos that I created. It just felt like a bit of a chore. When it came time to continue afterwards, there were so many other things I would have rather been doing.
I'm very happy with the things that I've been able to experience that wouldn't have been possible without YouTube and I'm very happy with the friendships that I've made and the people that I've gotten to spend time with because of my involvement with the site. I just don't enjoy the act of filming, editing, and uploading anymore. I find that the points that I want to get across aren't as strong as they would be if I could just sit and write and edit. I prefer words, and despite what you may think, I believe that YouTube compromises words. A message isn't entirely about the words, it's about the delivery and the framing and the editing and the outfit you're wearing. I don't want my messages to be watered down. I don't want the importance of what I am saying to be overshadowed by the fact that I'm not wearing makeup (because I never wear makeup). There have been so many things that I wanted to create videos about but I haven't because it wouldn't be strong enough. It wouldn't seem important enough. Some people can do that, and good for them. But it's not for me. I want them to be more true to myself and how I want to express myself. I want to use my time more carefully. I'd rather be constructing thought provoking pieces than rambling in front of a camera just for the message to get lost in translation.
I believe that the pen is mightier than the sword, and on YouTube I have neither.
I'm not saying that I'm completely done with YouTube. I don't think that I ever could be. It's been a very large part of my life for a decent amount of time now. I do think that it is a great medium for the people who really enjoy putting that kind of content out there. It is definitely a good medium for music sharing, and as I continue writing and composing music, YouTube will be a great outlet for such projects.
YouTube just can't be a priority for me any more. I'd rather focus on writing, which I love, and reading, to become a better writer. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this. I sure am glad that I did, though.
Currently playing on my iPod: How Long Will I Love You - Jon Boden, Sam Sweeney and Ben Coleman
This song is featured in the film About Time, which is one of my all-time favorite films. The song is beautiful, catchy and has fabulous movement and emotion, especially this version of it. I can't imagine anyone being disappointed after giving it a listen.
21 December, 2013
sometimes i shave my legs, and sometimes i don't
Hello friend.
Sometimes I wish that my blog was still private. Not all the time, but sometimes. It's nice to rant about something and know that it isn't going to cause a problem because it shouldn't cause a problem, but you just need to say it and some people might take offense and turn it into something it's not.
Oh well. I guess that's what Whisper is for.
When I was younger and began thinking about shaving my legs, I remember my mother asking me if I was sure. She told me that once you start, you can't stop.
I now know that's not true.
I used to try so hard to conform to particular body standards, but for me it was always difficult. I'm not a particularly thin girl. I'm not thick even. I just know that I'll never look like Monica and Rachel from Friends. I can work out and diet all I want, but I have a particular body type. As long as I'm healthy and fit and comfortable, that's all that matters.
This is a relatively new body image realization for me.
However I learned the truth about leg shaving quite a long time ago.
I used to work at a sleep-away summer camp. There were lots of girls, plus the three councilors, sharing 2 showers. Showers had to be REALLY short, which basically meant that you would never really have time to shave your legs every day. Yes, you can get a rhythm and get it done pretty quickly.. But not that quickly. (I even gave up using conditioner that summer. Result: Hermione hair.) So you didn't shave your legs every day. And that was okay!
I remember finding it so strange once I got to college that girls insisted on shaving their legs every single day. It's a ridiculous routine to have to stick to and it's an even more ridiculous expectation to be set for women to live by.
So if I'm heading off to a Zumba class but I didn't shave my legs the night before, I don't torture myself with long pants to cover up my shame. There is no shame in some stubble. NONE. If it's an uncharacteristically warm day and I want to wear a pair of shorts or a skirt, I'm not going to let a bit of stubble stop me, nor will I let it force me to wear tights as an act of concealment.
A small hiatus of leg-shaving doesn't make me unclean. If it did, then the majority of men would be absolutely filthy.
Let's think about this ridiculous expectation in another way.
Not every man shaves his face every day. Some do. Either it's expected of them by their peers or their careers or the voices in their head. That's fine. But the majority of men do not set aside 10-15 minutes every day to shave. If a man has a bit of scruff, is that considered appalling, or even shameful? Of course not!
And guess what! The surface area of a man's face is likely to be less than the surface area of a woman's thigh.
I accepted this ages ago, and since then have never really strictly adhered to a "shave legs every day" routine. Until recently, I thought that I was the only one with this realization. But then I discovered this. Yes this comic isn't exactly about the legs, but if it's something that someone bothered to make a comic about, would it be relatively common (at least, more so than I originally thought)? And if it applies to that portion of the body, then wouldn't it probably apply to others as well? (I think the fact that the lyric "Sometimes I shave my legs, and sometimes I don't" even exists is proof as well.)
The point I'm making isn't that we should all live in a society where no one shaves and we all have heaps of hair coming from every part of our bodies. I just think that people shouldn't feel like slaves to a highly unrealistic expectation. People should be allowed to stick with a routine that works for them and that they are comfortable with. And if anyone should judge or shame you for these decisions, well then screw them! We make thousands of decisions about our lives and our appearance and how we emote to others every day. We can't completely cast our happiness aside in making these decisions just to please the faceless masses.
It's topics like this that really make me realize how much of a feminist I've become over the years. I've never really labeled myself as such before, but now I'm proud to.
Currently playing on my iPod: I See Fire - Ed Sheeran
Tiny break from Christmas music..
I've been in love with this song since I first heard it at the Hobbit Fan Event in Wellington. It's freaking brilliant. It perfectly captures the mood we are left with at the end of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug while still driving us to want more, to want to know what happens after you see the fire approaching, and to not want to wait a year for the third (and, sadly, final) installment. Ed Sheeran is an amazing writer. As soon as I found out he was writing the credit song, I knew that I would not be disappointed.
Sometimes I wish that my blog was still private. Not all the time, but sometimes. It's nice to rant about something and know that it isn't going to cause a problem because it shouldn't cause a problem, but you just need to say it and some people might take offense and turn it into something it's not.
Oh well. I guess that's what Whisper is for.
When I was younger and began thinking about shaving my legs, I remember my mother asking me if I was sure. She told me that once you start, you can't stop.
I now know that's not true.
I used to try so hard to conform to particular body standards, but for me it was always difficult. I'm not a particularly thin girl. I'm not thick even. I just know that I'll never look like Monica and Rachel from Friends. I can work out and diet all I want, but I have a particular body type. As long as I'm healthy and fit and comfortable, that's all that matters.
This is a relatively new body image realization for me.
However I learned the truth about leg shaving quite a long time ago.
I used to work at a sleep-away summer camp. There were lots of girls, plus the three councilors, sharing 2 showers. Showers had to be REALLY short, which basically meant that you would never really have time to shave your legs every day. Yes, you can get a rhythm and get it done pretty quickly.. But not that quickly. (I even gave up using conditioner that summer. Result: Hermione hair.) So you didn't shave your legs every day. And that was okay!
I remember finding it so strange once I got to college that girls insisted on shaving their legs every single day. It's a ridiculous routine to have to stick to and it's an even more ridiculous expectation to be set for women to live by.
So if I'm heading off to a Zumba class but I didn't shave my legs the night before, I don't torture myself with long pants to cover up my shame. There is no shame in some stubble. NONE. If it's an uncharacteristically warm day and I want to wear a pair of shorts or a skirt, I'm not going to let a bit of stubble stop me, nor will I let it force me to wear tights as an act of concealment.
A small hiatus of leg-shaving doesn't make me unclean. If it did, then the majority of men would be absolutely filthy.
Let's think about this ridiculous expectation in another way.
Not every man shaves his face every day. Some do. Either it's expected of them by their peers or their careers or the voices in their head. That's fine. But the majority of men do not set aside 10-15 minutes every day to shave. If a man has a bit of scruff, is that considered appalling, or even shameful? Of course not!
And guess what! The surface area of a man's face is likely to be less than the surface area of a woman's thigh.
I accepted this ages ago, and since then have never really strictly adhered to a "shave legs every day" routine. Until recently, I thought that I was the only one with this realization. But then I discovered this. Yes this comic isn't exactly about the legs, but if it's something that someone bothered to make a comic about, would it be relatively common (at least, more so than I originally thought)? And if it applies to that portion of the body, then wouldn't it probably apply to others as well? (I think the fact that the lyric "Sometimes I shave my legs, and sometimes I don't" even exists is proof as well.)
The point I'm making isn't that we should all live in a society where no one shaves and we all have heaps of hair coming from every part of our bodies. I just think that people shouldn't feel like slaves to a highly unrealistic expectation. People should be allowed to stick with a routine that works for them and that they are comfortable with. And if anyone should judge or shame you for these decisions, well then screw them! We make thousands of decisions about our lives and our appearance and how we emote to others every day. We can't completely cast our happiness aside in making these decisions just to please the faceless masses.
It's topics like this that really make me realize how much of a feminist I've become over the years. I've never really labeled myself as such before, but now I'm proud to.
Currently playing on my iPod: I See Fire - Ed Sheeran
Tiny break from Christmas music..
I've been in love with this song since I first heard it at the Hobbit Fan Event in Wellington. It's freaking brilliant. It perfectly captures the mood we are left with at the end of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug while still driving us to want more, to want to know what happens after you see the fire approaching, and to not want to wait a year for the third (and, sadly, final) installment. Ed Sheeran is an amazing writer. As soon as I found out he was writing the credit song, I knew that I would not be disappointed.
17 December, 2013
i'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too
Hello friend.
Probably the worst thing about living on the other side of the world is the fact that I am sure to fall out of contact with some amazing people. I don't want it to happen. I try when I can to keep conversations going. But sometimes I forget. Or sometimes they forget. And that's fine. It happens. But it still makes me quite sad.
There are some friends who won't let contact fall short. We may not be constantly in contact, but we talk often enough that it's normal for us to stay in touch. There are some other friends who are easier to keep in touch via Facebook or twitter. You tweet at them or send them a message every other week or so. But then we get to the friends who are incredibly busy and focused on the life in front of them, the life since college graduation, the life that you're not really a part of anymore. Again, that's fine. There are times when I'm entirely focused on the life that I've created for myself since moving that I kind of forget to talk to all the people who don't first contact me. And sometimes a friend will contact me, and I'll make a mental note to respond after work, or on the weekend when I can give them the response that they deserve, and then that just doesn't happen. Time gets away from me. I like to think that when I contact a friend and don't hear back from them, it's not out of malice or resentment, but instead out of good intentions and human error.
My friends who know me well will know that I do not have a high texting stamina. I'm not one to just sit and text someone for hours. I can't hold a conversation like that for ages. Skype, yes. Face to face, yes. Phone call, most of the time. Texting, nope. One of my senior year roommates conditioned me to be a bit better at it. I really need to thank her for that because it's seriously the only way I keep in touch with some people. Texting is far more convenient than scheduling a Skype call. I can text a bit during the day at work, or while grocery shopping or cleaning the flat. The time when I would be available for a Skype call are later in the evening when most of my friends on the East Coast would be asleep. Again, no one's fault. That's just the way it is.
I wish that there was a middle ground. A way to live here and have these wonderful experiences and these new friends, but to still always have time for my friends back home. I make time as often as I can. I want my friends back home to know how important they are to me. I just wish that it was easier. I guess it is pretty easy now considering Facebook, Skype and iMessage, at least much easier than it was when letters were the main method of communication. In those days, someone moved across the world, across the country even, and that was that.
My friends are all over-achievers and are all living wonderfully fulfilling and enriching lives. I'd like for them to continue. I'd just like to remain a part of them.
Currently playing on my iPod: Vince Guaraldi - A Charlie Brown Christmas
It's still Christmas time, and this album is still perfect.
Probably the worst thing about living on the other side of the world is the fact that I am sure to fall out of contact with some amazing people. I don't want it to happen. I try when I can to keep conversations going. But sometimes I forget. Or sometimes they forget. And that's fine. It happens. But it still makes me quite sad.
There are some friends who won't let contact fall short. We may not be constantly in contact, but we talk often enough that it's normal for us to stay in touch. There are some other friends who are easier to keep in touch via Facebook or twitter. You tweet at them or send them a message every other week or so. But then we get to the friends who are incredibly busy and focused on the life in front of them, the life since college graduation, the life that you're not really a part of anymore. Again, that's fine. There are times when I'm entirely focused on the life that I've created for myself since moving that I kind of forget to talk to all the people who don't first contact me. And sometimes a friend will contact me, and I'll make a mental note to respond after work, or on the weekend when I can give them the response that they deserve, and then that just doesn't happen. Time gets away from me. I like to think that when I contact a friend and don't hear back from them, it's not out of malice or resentment, but instead out of good intentions and human error.
My friends who know me well will know that I do not have a high texting stamina. I'm not one to just sit and text someone for hours. I can't hold a conversation like that for ages. Skype, yes. Face to face, yes. Phone call, most of the time. Texting, nope. One of my senior year roommates conditioned me to be a bit better at it. I really need to thank her for that because it's seriously the only way I keep in touch with some people. Texting is far more convenient than scheduling a Skype call. I can text a bit during the day at work, or while grocery shopping or cleaning the flat. The time when I would be available for a Skype call are later in the evening when most of my friends on the East Coast would be asleep. Again, no one's fault. That's just the way it is.
I wish that there was a middle ground. A way to live here and have these wonderful experiences and these new friends, but to still always have time for my friends back home. I make time as often as I can. I want my friends back home to know how important they are to me. I just wish that it was easier. I guess it is pretty easy now considering Facebook, Skype and iMessage, at least much easier than it was when letters were the main method of communication. In those days, someone moved across the world, across the country even, and that was that.
My friends are all over-achievers and are all living wonderfully fulfilling and enriching lives. I'd like for them to continue. I'd just like to remain a part of them.
Currently playing on my iPod: Vince Guaraldi - A Charlie Brown Christmas
It's still Christmas time, and this album is still perfect.
14 December, 2013
why is my reflection someone i don't know?
Hello friend.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly because I've been making plans that coincide with my birthday and I've realized that I don't actually feel my age. When I tell someone that I'm twenty-three, it feels like I'm lying. The fact that I'll soon we turning twenty-four seems impossible. Where did the time go?
But I've relearned some things about myself, and I've come to accept things that I never would have admitted ages and ages ago.
First of all, I think that I might actually be an introvert. My close friends will all look at this and think, "Yeah right, Sara! Stop lying to us now!" Seriously though, I think that I may actually be an introvert. I've read a lot of the common misconceptions of introverts (while needing a break from work), and those kinds of articles have shed a lot of light on me as a person. I mean, I like to try and make new friends, but I'm constantly calculating my sentences and evaluating how I might be coming across. I prefer a glass of wine with friends (or a partner) over dancing at a club. I am completely comfortable with people that I know and trust. When someone new comes along, I stumble and stutter if I try to act the way I do around my friends. I take a considerable amount of time to feel close and comfortable with people, especially people with very large personalities.
But that's not the point of this blog post. The point of this blog post is second of all.
Second of all, I think that I actually am emotionally affected by having my period. I'm not sure if this is a thing that has always been the case. I don't remember getting exceptionally bitchy or sensitive while having my period in the past. I may have whined a bit about the pain before I went back on birth control, and I may have requested extra cuddles from friends and significant others. But I have zero recollection of any kind of emotional change. It's recently been pointed out to me, both by my partner and by the internal monologue that is constantly going on in my head, that I can't deny the facts any longer.
Now I don't get weepy, I don't get bitchy, I don't get depressed. I just experience emotions in extremes. I get incredibly happy about good things. I get angry when the smallest things go out of balance at work. Most importantly, I react to things with a heighten sense of sensitivity. Things frustrate me quickly and immensely. Things affect me more than they should. And in a way, that's not all bad. It helps me realize why I do things. Sometimes bringing my emotions to extremes and really making me analyze how things are making me feel and why they have that affect on me can help me cope and help me heal.
On my music channel on YouTube I've gotten tons of comments and messages about one particular video. People want to learn to play a song the way I play it. It's very nice. Lately commenters have been asking for a tutorial, so I thought that I'd make one.
Now this tutorial was incredibly in depth. It required three different camera angels, chord diagrams and finger-picking diagrams. Place that on top of the fact that I haven't really uploaded very much in the past year and a half or so, and you've got a situation that most people who are mediocre with editing software would find over-whelming. Now place me, an emotional menstruating woman, into that exact situation.
It wasn't pretty.
I got so frustrated with the simplest of things. Lighting, camera angles, video quality, syncing videos, sizing videos, etc. Seriously it was bad. It was a difficult project, and probably not the best project to be the first thing that I did on YouTube for over four months.
Now this whole debacle got me thinking, in my compromised state of course, as to why I don't unload often anymore. I came to the conclusion that I didn't really find the process fun anymore.
When I used to upload videos regularly, I wasn't just making them for me. I was making them for my friends. I had a decently sized friend base that I had met through YouTube and we all uploaded regularly, some of us to a collab channel, and it was nice knowing who my content went out to. Unfortunately, most of these wonderful people aren't very active among YouTube anymore. We still keep in touch via Facebook and twitter, but I don't make them videos any more and they don't make videos for me.
Now know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The ladies who I grew quite close with through YouTube have all moved on to do amazing things. I'm quite proud of them.
But I didn't really feel like I had that YouTube support any more. The YouTube community all of a sudden seemed very large and I very small, which of course it is, but when you've got some friends it always feels better.
I've recently realized that I can't let this stop me from doing something that I ultimately enjoy doing (three weeks a month). I've also recently realized that I do have some lovely friends who are quite active and incredibly supportive in the world of YouTube.
Part of living in the capital of a small country is getting to meet people with similar interests as you. within the last month and a half, I've met a large number of people involved in the New Zealand YouTube Community. They are a fabulous supportive bunch, and I think because New Zealand is so small, we all band together. It makes YouTube feel the way it did 3 years ago and it makes me feel like I want to post content for my friends.
A lot of people talk about making videos because they enjoy it, and that's it. That's great and all, but to me it's so much more. To me, it's about sharing me. Videos are a gift that I can give to my friends. They are about putting effort into something for someone else and being happy with the product and happy to share with people who matter. If I have fun doing it in the process, then that's even better.
Currently playing on my iPod: Vince Guaraldi - A Charlie Brown Christmas
In my mind, there is no better Christmas album than this. It's perfect, it's relaxing, it's inspiring. Everything that music should be.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly because I've been making plans that coincide with my birthday and I've realized that I don't actually feel my age. When I tell someone that I'm twenty-three, it feels like I'm lying. The fact that I'll soon we turning twenty-four seems impossible. Where did the time go?
But I've relearned some things about myself, and I've come to accept things that I never would have admitted ages and ages ago.
First of all, I think that I might actually be an introvert. My close friends will all look at this and think, "Yeah right, Sara! Stop lying to us now!" Seriously though, I think that I may actually be an introvert. I've read a lot of the common misconceptions of introverts (while needing a break from work), and those kinds of articles have shed a lot of light on me as a person. I mean, I like to try and make new friends, but I'm constantly calculating my sentences and evaluating how I might be coming across. I prefer a glass of wine with friends (or a partner) over dancing at a club. I am completely comfortable with people that I know and trust. When someone new comes along, I stumble and stutter if I try to act the way I do around my friends. I take a considerable amount of time to feel close and comfortable with people, especially people with very large personalities.
But that's not the point of this blog post. The point of this blog post is second of all.
Second of all, I think that I actually am emotionally affected by having my period. I'm not sure if this is a thing that has always been the case. I don't remember getting exceptionally bitchy or sensitive while having my period in the past. I may have whined a bit about the pain before I went back on birth control, and I may have requested extra cuddles from friends and significant others. But I have zero recollection of any kind of emotional change. It's recently been pointed out to me, both by my partner and by the internal monologue that is constantly going on in my head, that I can't deny the facts any longer.
Now I don't get weepy, I don't get bitchy, I don't get depressed. I just experience emotions in extremes. I get incredibly happy about good things. I get angry when the smallest things go out of balance at work. Most importantly, I react to things with a heighten sense of sensitivity. Things frustrate me quickly and immensely. Things affect me more than they should. And in a way, that's not all bad. It helps me realize why I do things. Sometimes bringing my emotions to extremes and really making me analyze how things are making me feel and why they have that affect on me can help me cope and help me heal.
On my music channel on YouTube I've gotten tons of comments and messages about one particular video. People want to learn to play a song the way I play it. It's very nice. Lately commenters have been asking for a tutorial, so I thought that I'd make one.
Now this tutorial was incredibly in depth. It required three different camera angels, chord diagrams and finger-picking diagrams. Place that on top of the fact that I haven't really uploaded very much in the past year and a half or so, and you've got a situation that most people who are mediocre with editing software would find over-whelming. Now place me, an emotional menstruating woman, into that exact situation.
It wasn't pretty.
I got so frustrated with the simplest of things. Lighting, camera angles, video quality, syncing videos, sizing videos, etc. Seriously it was bad. It was a difficult project, and probably not the best project to be the first thing that I did on YouTube for over four months.
Now this whole debacle got me thinking, in my compromised state of course, as to why I don't unload often anymore. I came to the conclusion that I didn't really find the process fun anymore.
When I used to upload videos regularly, I wasn't just making them for me. I was making them for my friends. I had a decently sized friend base that I had met through YouTube and we all uploaded regularly, some of us to a collab channel, and it was nice knowing who my content went out to. Unfortunately, most of these wonderful people aren't very active among YouTube anymore. We still keep in touch via Facebook and twitter, but I don't make them videos any more and they don't make videos for me.
Now know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The ladies who I grew quite close with through YouTube have all moved on to do amazing things. I'm quite proud of them.
But I didn't really feel like I had that YouTube support any more. The YouTube community all of a sudden seemed very large and I very small, which of course it is, but when you've got some friends it always feels better.
I've recently realized that I can't let this stop me from doing something that I ultimately enjoy doing (three weeks a month). I've also recently realized that I do have some lovely friends who are quite active and incredibly supportive in the world of YouTube.
Part of living in the capital of a small country is getting to meet people with similar interests as you. within the last month and a half, I've met a large number of people involved in the New Zealand YouTube Community. They are a fabulous supportive bunch, and I think because New Zealand is so small, we all band together. It makes YouTube feel the way it did 3 years ago and it makes me feel like I want to post content for my friends.
A lot of people talk about making videos because they enjoy it, and that's it. That's great and all, but to me it's so much more. To me, it's about sharing me. Videos are a gift that I can give to my friends. They are about putting effort into something for someone else and being happy with the product and happy to share with people who matter. If I have fun doing it in the process, then that's even better.
Currently playing on my iPod: Vince Guaraldi - A Charlie Brown Christmas
In my mind, there is no better Christmas album than this. It's perfect, it's relaxing, it's inspiring. Everything that music should be.
30 June, 2012
but you're not there
There is something truly special about a goodbye hug. Especially those kinds of goodbyes that are for extended periods of time. There are so many important things happening all at once.
A goodbye hug is your last chance to make a memory with someone you care about. You're remembering that moment and what it feels like to hold them close to you. You're remembering their smell, their height, the way they hug you back, every breath. You're time with this person is precious and extremely limited, so you're looking to make as many memories as you can in these final moments.
During a goodbye hug, you're also enjoying each others company.
Lastly, a part of every goodbye hug is saying "don't leave me." There is absolutely no denying that. If this is someone worth hugging goodbye, then this is someone worth hanging on to.
In about 24 hours I will be hugging one of my best friends goodbye as she embarks on a brilliant new journey. She has joined the Peace Corps an it's just becoming real to me that soon she will be living in Africa for the next two years. I watched her say goodbye to a bunch of her friends last night, and I began to dread when it would be my turn. There is absolutely nothing harder than saying goodbye to someone you love, even if it's not forever.
The last time I did that, it broke my heart. I don't doubt that it'll happen again.
I couldn't sleep tonight. I just sat and thought of goodbyes and hellos, and how both can make you cry.
A goodbye hug is your last chance to make a memory with someone you care about. You're remembering that moment and what it feels like to hold them close to you. You're remembering their smell, their height, the way they hug you back, every breath. You're time with this person is precious and extremely limited, so you're looking to make as many memories as you can in these final moments.
During a goodbye hug, you're also enjoying each others company.
Lastly, a part of every goodbye hug is saying "don't leave me." There is absolutely no denying that. If this is someone worth hugging goodbye, then this is someone worth hanging on to.
In about 24 hours I will be hugging one of my best friends goodbye as she embarks on a brilliant new journey. She has joined the Peace Corps an it's just becoming real to me that soon she will be living in Africa for the next two years. I watched her say goodbye to a bunch of her friends last night, and I began to dread when it would be my turn. There is absolutely nothing harder than saying goodbye to someone you love, even if it's not forever.
The last time I did that, it broke my heart. I don't doubt that it'll happen again.
I couldn't sleep tonight. I just sat and thought of goodbyes and hellos, and how both can make you cry.
29 March, 2012
i look for signs of light
Hello friend.
So this is what my life has amounted to: me falling asleep crying into my pillow night after night.
People who have never experienced depression don't understand it. They don't understand how much it consumes you. They don't understand how hard it is to get through the day. They don't know the feeling of pain with every step and breath that they take. They don't know how hard it is to constantly be fighting back tears. They don't know what it's like to explain to friends why you went from perfectly fine to sobbing your eyes out, or what it's like to make up an excuse. They don't understand how it is that every little thing feels like the beginning of the end of everything good.
And of course when you open up and try to explain it all to them, they can't make sense of it. Of course they can't make sense of it. It doesn't make sense. It's all wrong.
But to the person experiencing it, it feels like the truth. It feels real. That's because to the person experiencing it, it is real.
There's no way to make people understand depression.
And who would want to really?
If you love someone, would you want them to know what this darkness feels like? What it feels like to be completely helpless and lost?
Of course not.
It's a strange mixture of wanting people to understand, but hoping they never understand. It's a mixture of wanting to talk about it with them, but knowing that they don't quite get it. It's a mixture of hating people for not understanding what they're doing to you and loving them for attempting to talk to you. It's a mixture of hating people for saying all the wrong things, and loving them for listening and saying anything at all.
There's a line by Green Day that says, "Every time I'm falling down, you take the repercussions."
I don't want anyone to take the repercussions. I don't want to be falling down. I don't want to force someone to catch me. I'm sorry if I do that. I promise, I'm aware of it. I hate it. I don't mean to do it. I do it because things that people do may not be a big deal, but they feel like a big deal. Things that shouldn't hurt, do hurt. So it comes out as anger and frustration at you, when it's really anger and frustration with the situation and their own emotions. At least, that's how it is for me.
If anyone has ever done this to you, please understand that they don't mean to. Please don't blame them, or me, for it.
I would also like to point out that depression isn't taking the good things in life for granted. Depression doesn't make you feel like there's nothing good in your life. Depression makes you cling to the things that are good. It makes you terrified of losing them. When someone is depressed, the things that are good for them are more important than ever, because those are the things that can still provide positive thoughts.
I've been told in the past that I was stupid for being depressed because I was taking my life and the good things in it for granted. I've never taken my life for granted. I've never taken my family or friends or my significant other for granted. I've been afraid to lose them. I've been upset with them when they couldn't understand what depression can do to me and why their actions have a particular affect on me because of it. I've been terrified of letting them down and making myself unwanted in their eyes. But I have never, and will never, take them for granted.
Depression isn't something that people choose. I don't wake up in the morning and think, "I'm going to have a bad day today. I'm going to be depressed." I wake up in the morning afraid and alone and lost and helpless when I'm depressed. I wake up in the morning and think, "I just want to get through this day and feel better at the end of it."
Depression makes people hope for better days, even though they feel as if they'll never come.
It's just a matter of time and coping, two things that I am currently working on. Two things that require support from loved ones. Two things that don't come quickly or easily. Two things that I hope those closest to me can understand.
I promise that I am working on them. I know when I get like this and I know that I need to work to keep myself from getting as bad as I have in the past. I know that things will get better. I know that. That's why I am working on things. I know I have something to live for and that the world isn't over.
I'm working on these things because I want those better days that I know are waiting for me. I want my future. I want my plans.
In all honesty, I feel better after writing this. (Also after talking to someone whom I absolutely adore He definitely deserves a lot of credit for the fact that I am in a significantly better mood now than I was three hours ago.)
Sometimes writing is therapeutic (and consequently, incredibly draining).
With that, I'm off to bed. Sorry for the ridiculously-difficult-to-follow blog post.
Maybe someday I'll actually make good on my promise to (coherently) write in here more often.
I want to reiterate that this is all from my perspective. I know I speak generally by talking about "people who have experienced depression" and how these people "feel" and "think" in certain situations. I'm not talking about a population. I'm talking about from my experience.
Please understand that. I don't want to force my opinions and experiences on everyone and I do NOT want to belittle anyone else's opinions or experienced.
Currently playing on my iPod: The Script
They are awesome. You know it.
Also, the fact that I am in an incredibly long-distance relationship really drives some of their lyrics home. One in particular that has been playing in my head for over a week now: "If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be..."
I know, that's the song that everyone knows. But it's popular for a reason, let's be honest here.
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